


i'd like to be with you, really

by zucchinis (bc_bread)



Category: Mamamoo
Genre: F/F, Mostly Drabbles, they're not together together yet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2018-09-19 21:35:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9461273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bc_bread/pseuds/zucchinis
Summary: Just drabbles exploring Moonsun going from friends to lovers. Non-linear, maybe there's a timeline, maybe there isn't.





	1. Honey Bee

**Author's Note:**

> I have a bunch of stuff written for this two in this verse. Will update periodically.  
> Still unbeta-ed. Feedback appreciated.  
> \-----  
> Yongsun is filming Honey Bee. Byulyi comes bearing gifts.

Yongsun sat down on the dressing room couch and sighed, wishing she had her phone on her. But it was buried somewhere underneath all the other bags with the stylists, and she didn’t have the energy to dig it out again. She’d just finished filming her solo scenes for ‘Honey Bee’; awkwardly hovering behind the cameras until her manager had caught sight of her and sent her back to the dressing room to rest with Luna. The f(x) vocalist huffed as she took the seat next to her on the couch; any awkwardness between them was gone now. Yongsun was less tentative about calling her a friend.

  
“Guess what I’m craving,” she asked Luna. The other woman thought.

“Ice cream?”

“Tteokbokki.” So maybe she had an unhealthy obsession with the food. “I really want some tteokbokki and soju.”

“Unnie, you can’t say stuff like that,” Luna groaned, rolling her head against the back of the sofa. Yongsun giggled as the vocalist turned to face her. “There aren’t any food carts around here.”

“Ah, now I’m even more depressed.” Yongsun giggled when she saw Luna pout. “Aigoo, I’m sorry Luna.”

“How much longer do we have?”

“It’s Heeyeon’s turn now.” Yongsun glanced at the clock. “Wah, no wonder we’re hungry. We missed dinner.”

“I don’t mind, if it means we can finish earlier.” They’d been on set since 6am. “Makes me wish I had a chef.”

“I know what you mean.” Yongsun sighed, already dreading returning to her lonely apartment. At least she didn’t have an early schedule the next day. “I don’t think I have any food at home.”

A light knock at the door made them both look. “Come in,” Yongsun called. The door pushed open and Heeyeon peeked in.

“Everyone dressed?” She looked the freshest out of all of them, but that could have been the three hour nap she’d gotten earlier while Yongsun and Luna had been filming their solos.

“Are you done already?” Yongsun glanced at the clock in shock. Heeyeon shook her head.

“No, of course not. They had to take a quick break to fix something on set. I’m just showing someone the way, is all.”

Yongsun and Luna both shared a confused look, but then Yongsun caught a glimpse of silver behind the EXID member. Heart beginning to race in her chest, she felt a smile pull on her lips as she stood.

“Byul-ah?” A groan from the corridor. “Byul-ah, I know it’s you!”

“I wanted to surprise you,” the rapper whined, stepping inside, her arms behind her back. She looked put out at having her plan foiled, but she quickly lost her sulk when Yongsun bounded up to her and reached out for her arm. Her eyes tracked the movement; Yongsun paused, suddenly remembering they weren’t alone. She dropped her hand with a blush.

“What are you doing here?” She asked instead, busying herself with the edge of her top. Byulyi smiled a little sadly at her, but regained her brightness as she swung her present in front of her. Neatly packed in a plastic bag, Yongsun could see a few boxes and cartons. In her other hand were three coffees.

“I brought you guys some food, just in case.” Byulyi bowed to Luna, greeting her for the first time since she entered. “I bought some for you too, sunbaenim, I hope you like it.”

“For me? Really?” Luna came up to them too, taking the bag of food from the rapper’s hand. “Thank you so much.”

“It’s not much, but…”

“Aigoo, Byulie, stop talking.” Heeyeon was diving into the goodies with the f(x) vocalist, fishing out a pair of chopsticks and one of the cartons. “I call dibs on this one, whatever this is.”

“Ah, the one with the smiley face on it is Yongsun-unnie’s.” Heeyeon made a dissatisfied face, but handed the one she was holding over. Yongsun accepted it gratefully.

“Thank you again, Byulyi-ah.” Luna had popped the lid on hers, and the other two gravitated to a corner of the room, busying themselves with stuffing their faces. This left Yongsun and Byulyi somewhat alone. Byulyi plucked a coffee out of the three and set the other two on the dressing room table, letting Luna and Heeyeon know that it was theirs. Then she settled on the couch, patting the seat next to her.

“Thanks, Byul-ah.” Yongsun didn’t open her food yet, instead playing with the wrapped chopsticks in her hands, turning it over and over and over. Byulyi shifted so that she was facing the leader completely, taking a sip of the coffee before holding it out.

“I got you your favourite.” It _was_ her favourite. Byulyi was good at remembering things like that. “How’s the shoot going?”

“Good.” Yongsun continued turning the chopsticks over and over and over again. “A little strange.”

“How so?” Byulyi was giving Yongsun her undivided attention. Yongsun shivered, but a warmth was blooming in her chest. “What’s the song like?”

“The song is… sexy.” The face she made must’ve been amusing, because Byulyi chuckled. “Not that there’s anything wrong with sexy -”

“Definitely nothing wrong.”

“But,” Yongsun glared at the interruption. Byulyi’s smirk didn’t slip one bit. “It’s weird to do that without you guys.” Her voice dropped. “Heeyeon and Luna are nice and all, but. It’s not the same.”

“Of course it’s not the same.” Byulyi’s eyes were kind as she reached out with her free hand to still Yongsun’s. “You’re used to us. But it’s a good experience, right?”

“Right.” Yongsun debated telling her about the difference being more than just the dynamics - the difference was that their directors never looked at her and saw only sex appeal. The difference was that Yongsun knew all their stylists’ names, and the difference was that with Wheein and Hyejin and Byulyi, Yongsun never really had to think about how she was coming off on-screen, was she doing a good job, was she coming out right? Sometimes, Yongsun thought, her eyes glancing to the corner where Luna and Heeyeon were eating. Sometimes, she wondered what would have happened to her if she had been signed on to SM or one of the other bigger companies. The thought of not being in Mamamoo with her girls sent a shudder up her spine. Byulyi didn’t miss it, of course.

“What are you thinking?” The rapper asked, taking another sip of the drink. She’d propped her head on her fist, just watching Yongsun. The leader shook her head. There was no point on dwelling on things that never happened. She was happy with the way things were now.

Byulyi didn’t push, and Yongsun was grateful for it. Instead, the rapper leant over and popped the lid on Yongsun’s food herself. Sure enough, there was a big smiley - “I tried to do it like your ideal type, but it was too ugly - ow!” - and Yongsun gaped when she saw that there was a small carton of tteokbokki inside.

“I was just craving it.” Yongsun breathed in shock, and the grin Byulyi had was entirely too smug.

“You're always craving it.” Byulyi laughed when Yongsun completely disregarded the main course and headed straight for it. “Careful, Yongsun-ah. You’ll choke.”

“Don’t care. Happy now,” Yongsun mumbled through a mouthful of rice cake. Byulyi laughed again and reached out to swipe a bit of sauce of her lip. She licked it off her thumb thoughtlessly. When Yongsun stared, Byulyi just raised an eyebrow.

Yongsun quickly returned to eating.

They were quiet as Yongsun ate, the other two in the corner chatting animatedly. Occasionally, Byulyi would get pulled into the other conversation, but for the most part they were silent. Yongsun tried not to think about how comforting it felt to have Byulyi here with her, even though there wasn’t much to say to each other. She tried to convince herself that it was just because she had been feeling out of place the whole day.

When she’d finished, Byulyi took her trash from her and pressed the drink into her hands. Ignoring her protests, she winked as she started to bag it, heading over to Luna and Heeyeon to collect their trash as well. Heeyeon had to get back to filming soon, and she hugged Byulyi gratefully.

“Byulie, you’re the best,” she announced, making Byulyi blush prettily. Yongsun liked watching the other girl be flustered; it was so cute and unexpected. The fans would go crazy everytime they saw it. Byulyi liked to act like she was cool, but Yongsun knew better.

Wrapping her arms around Hani’s slim waist, Byulyi gave her friend her greasiest smile. “So are you going to be nice to me from now on, Ahn Heeyeon?”

“I’m gonna be so nice to you, you’ll wonder if I’m going to play a prank or something.” They both laughed. Yongsun’s brows furrowed a little at their closeness, but the feeling of unease went away almost immediately when Byulyi caught her eye and her smile turned soft.

Eventually Heeyeon did leave for her shoot, Luna following behind to watch. The latter invited Yongsun to come along, but a quick glance to Byulyi made her decision for her. She flopped onto the couch, shifting to get comfortable while Byulyi drifted over to sit on the floor in front of her.

“Yah, why are you sitting there, Byul-ah?” Byulyi just shrugged. “Come sit on the couch.”

Byulyi turned her head, and chuckled. “Yeba, you’re lying across it.”

“My neck is going to go stiff if I sleep like this.” Yongsun knew the pout would work. Byulyi was up in a flash, settling right by the leader’s head, shifting till Yongsun was comfortable on her lap. “Alright, goodnight.” She shut her eyes and buried her face in Byulyi’s stomach. When a few moments passed and Yongsun was still very much awake, Byulyi laughed.

“It’s too bright in here, isn’t it?” Byulyi’s teasing observation made Yongsun groan. “But you’re too comfortable to get up, right?”

“Why didn’t you switch it off before settling?” Byulyi rolled her eyes, reaching out with her hand to cover Yongsun’s face. “Ah, what are you doing?”

“Shh. Go and sleep.” Byulyi shifted a bit more, dislodging Yongsun from her comfortable spot, and Yongsun would have protested more if Byulyi hadn’t draped her jacket over her. “Sleep, Yeba.”

“I’m going to get pimples because of you,” Yongsun said, voice muffled by the jacket. Byulyi giggled and pulled her hand away, adjusting it so that the jacket covered Yongsun’s face better. Yongsun closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep again, Byulyi’s light scent all around her. Byulyi didn’t wear any of the flowery scents that Hyejin and Yongsun liked - instead, Byulyi often smelled really sharp and clean, the way one would after a cold shower at the gym. She breathed in deep, exhaled, trying to calm the beating of her heart.

“Byul-ah?” Byulyi made a quiet sort of noise. Even though Yongsun couldn’t see her face, she knew the rapper was listening. “Thanks. For coming.” When Byulyi didn’t say anything, Yongsun continued, her hand coming up to find Byulyi’s hand, dragging it under the jacket with her. “I was getting lonely.”

“Were you?” Yongsun felt her start to play with her dark locks, the tugging sensation on her scalp calming her. “Honestly, unnie, I was afraid I’d be a bother.”

“Don’t say that.” Yongsun hated it when Byulyi spoke like that. Like her presence would ever be unwelcome in other people’s lives. Like she was a nuisance.

Quiet. Yongsun tried to lighten the mood. “Next time, bring more tteokbokki.”

“Unnie, that’s obsessive.” Byulyi’s amusement made Yongsun smile. They trailed off, let the moment hang a moment more. Then, Byulyi. “I’m glad I came. I was getting lonely too.”

Touched, Yongsun blushed under the safety of the jacket. She was glad Byulyi couldn’t see her face now.

“We’re really something, aren’t we?” Byulyi’s rumble of laughter traveled through her entire body. Yongsun appreciated it. She joined in as well, their giggles trailing off comfortably.

Then there was nothing else to say. Byulyi hummed lightly under her breath, Yongsun’s sleepily matching the tunes with their titles as sleep beckoned ever closer. She was on the cusp of actually dozing off when she felt something push the jacket against her cheek. She murmured sleepily, “What did you do?”

Byulyi laughed again, so soft it didn’t disturb Yongsun at all. “Everyone deserves a goodnight kiss, no?”

Yongsun’s embarrassment was overshadowed by her gratitude. Pulling the jacket away, she smiled tentatively up at her best friend - “Give me a proper one, then.”

And Byulyi - blushing cheeks, shy smile; Yongsun wanted to die - did.

(And maybe it wasn't the same, maybe Yongsun would go back to feeling as off-kilter as she did before, but for now? For now, Yongsun enjoyed the steady press of Byulyi against her lips, the feel of Byulyi’s hand in hers, and the light smell of Byulyi, Byulyi, Byulyi all around her.)


	2. late night

The first time they said it out loud, Yongsun was terrified.

She'd never really thought of herself in those terms before, as someone who likes girls the same way you're supposed to like boys. Yongsun grew up in a household of people who didn't say I love you in words - they bought her everything she wanted, let her have free reign and make her own choices as she grew up. But she never really knew how to say “I love you” even though she was always taught to recognize how it was expressed.

Yongsun’s first boyfriend was a non-event; the second, her sister met, which freaked her out enough that she broke up with him immediately.

(There were lines that Yongsun drew, just for herself, that no one else had to know about. They kept her feeling safe and steady.)

The third boyfriend was the most promising. He was nice and had a mischievous streak - once, they stayed out all night at the Han River to drink and talk. They never fought there, which was the only reason Yongsun liked going back to that place at all. It reminded her of the good times, before she found out he'd been cheating on her. With men.

And it wasn't the men part that got her. No. It was the part where boys were supposed to be attracted to girls and girls were supposed to be attracted to boys, and God, Yongsun would never forget the terror in her boyfriend’s - ex-boyfriend’s? - face as he admitted that the boxers she’d found in their room weren't his. Yongsun had been too angry then to read the fear in his face. Too full of shame.

Now? Now, Yongsun wished with everything she had that she still had his number to beg for his forgiveness. Because coming out took courage, took the nerve to stay hard even though you were revealing your softest, most vulnerable parts -

(because that was what the heart was. The softest, most vulnerable part.)

And maybe that was why she fell for Moon Byulyi. Byulyi, who was unabashed about her affection. Byulyi, who grew up in a family that was similar to hers, but who had learnt that sometimes, all everyone needed to hear was that someone cared for her, who cradled her heart in her hand gently because she knew how precious it was. Moon Byulyi, that was not only her best friend, but also her favourite person in the whole world -

(not that you'd hear Yongsun admit it out loud. Byulyi knew it.)

She loved Moon Byulyi, and so she learnt how to say it. And Moon Byulyi could say it back.

\- - - - -

_From the diary of Moon Byulyi_

28 March 2016

Yongdonnie smiled a lot today. So I’m happy.

\- - - - -

“When did you know?” They were driving back to their apartments, Yongsun in the passenger seat while Byulyi drove. The company car was a lot quieter without their manager and the two maknaes. The rapper took her eyes off the road to glance at Yongsun. The leader suspected she’d caught her off guard.

“Know what?” The radio was playing softly in the background. Yongsun reached out so it was just a little bit louder. “Stop playing with the volume.”

“It's not loud enough.” Yongsun pouted, pretending to be more put out than she actually was. Byulyi rolled her eyes and held out her hand over the central console.

“Hold my hand.” Yongsun raised an eyebrow. Byulyi took a turn with one hand. “You never know what to do with your hands when you're nervous.” Byulyi tucked a quiet smile into her cheek as Yongsun did as she was told, ruminating on her statement. When it seemed like Yongsun was falling even deeper in thought, Byulyi pulled their joined hands up and pressed a kiss to the back of her best friend’s. “And what was I supposed to know, Yeba?”

“Right.” Embarrassed that she’d almost forgotten, Yongsun continued in a rush. “When did you know? That you, you know, liked…” Yongsun flapped her hand helplessly between them, finding it hard to say it out loud. Byulyi’s smile turned teasing.

“Liked...driving? Leather seats? This song?” She laughed when Yongsun slapped her shoulder. Stopping at a red light, she turned to give Yongsun her full attention. “Are you asking when I first knew I liked you, Yeba?”

Yongsun shook her head, red. That wasn't what she had asked, but now she had to admit she wanted to know. Byulyi’s brows furrowed. “Then?”

“Girls.” Yongsun squeezed Byulyi’s hand in hers. “When did you know you liked, you know, girls?”

“Ah.” Byulyi tapped her finger on the wheel. “Well, when I was a young girl…”

Yongsun smacked her. Byulyi quickly lost her wistful tone, a smirk on her lips. “Alright, alright.” The light turned green again, and Byulyi eased the van forward, the street lamps lighting her prettily. “There isn't like, one moment. I’ve just always gotten along better with girls. Maybe it was because I grew up in a girl’s school, maybe going to a co-ed school would have made realising that about me harder.” Byulyi shrugged, glancing over to catch Yongsun in an intense gaze that was entirely at odds with her breezy demeanour. “Why do you ask?”

“No reason.” Yongsun started playing with Byulyi’s fingers, glad when Byulyi let the conversation die.

There was a reason though. Yongsun had no idea when these feelings for Byulyi had started, and really, Byulyi shouldn't be so patient with her. That wasn't how it went in dramas, was it? Usually when one person fell in love, they would want to know if the other person felt the same way as soon as possible. Unless they didn't really care.

But Byulyi did care, Yongsun knew. Byulyi cared about her a lot, told her “I love you” in words and action. Yongsun couldn't help but feel inadequate in the face of that kind of love.

When they parked, Byulyi killed the engine and turned in her seat, not making any move to leave. There was a joking sort of smile on her face, one Yongsun knew was just a prelude for something that would make her laugh. She waited.

“Do you want to make out in the van for a bit? There's no one here.” Yongsun did laugh, pushed her away, letting go of their hands. There was always someone around. Maybe not in person, but Yongsun knew. The media, their company, their families. Even though it was only them in the van, maybe even in the parking lot, Yongsun knew they weren't alone. Byulyi’s ever present smile was tinged with sadness as she reached up to rub at something at the corner of Yongsun’s lip. Yongsun knew there was nothing there.

They got out of the van, meeting on Yongsun’s side, Byulyi pressing the fob to lock it. Quiet, they headed to the elevators, waiting for it to come. They didn't speak even as they got on and waited to get to Yongsun’s floor. Byulyi didn't hesitate at Yongsun’s door - she keyed in the code, pushed it open so Yongsun could slip inside. Yongsun shed her clothes while Byulyi made herself comfortable on the couch, draping her jacket over the back of one of two dining chairs Yongsun had. Yongsun clucked her tongue, as usual, but Byulyi opened her arms and Yongsun forgot to be annoyed.

“Tired?” Byulyi asked, as Yongsun got comfortable against her, tucking her nose into Byulyi’s neck. “You had a long day today.”

“Yeah.” Yongsun didn't hold back this yawn. “I want to shower first though.”

“Can I join you?” Her joke wasn't quite like the one in the car, and Yongsun pressed her smile against Byulyi’s warm skin. “I’ll even wash your hair for you.”

“Tempting.”

“I’ll towel you off.” Byulyi’s voice dropped to a low tone, the one she used for rapping in “Words Don't Come Easy”. It sent shivers down Yongsun’s spine. “I won't promise I’ll help you put on clothes though.” Yongsun’s grip on the front of Byulyi’s shirt tightened, her libido warring with her tired mind. It would be so easy to say yes.

“You won't have to do anything. I’ll do all the work.” Byulyi’s fingers traced patterns on Yongsun's arm, weakening Yongsun’s defenses further. “I’ll do that thing you really like…” Yongsun moaned, unable to help herself. She pressed her legs together.

“Byulyi…” She whined, hating herself for what she was about to say. “I’m too tired for that tonight.”

Byulyi’s fingers didn't stop drawing shapes. She didn't pull away either, instead letting out a chuckle that Yongsun could feel against her. A light kiss on the crown of her head. “Next time, then.”

“You're so mean.” Yongsun huffed, pulling away to tilt Byulyi’s face down. She felt her sexiest smirk curl her lips - the one she knew Byulyi couldn't resist. Sliding her hand up into Byulyi’s hair, she enjoyed the delighted look in Byulyi’s eyes as she came closer, bumping their noses together. “How would you like it if someone teased you,” she murmured against the rapper’s lips, kissing long and hard and _deep_. Byulyi always loved it when Yongsun used her tongue. It drove her nuts. “- and then left you hanging?”

With a teasing touch against Byulyi’s chest, Yongsun turned away, already getting off the sofa before Byulyi could catch her. The rapper gaped, breathing hard, looking lost and oh-so-adorable. She let out a whine, and Yongsun nearly let herself go back to her, to finish what they'd started, but the exhaustion on her heels was what kept her away. Waving her fingers teasingly, she ran off to her bedroom, locking the door behind her to stop the other woman from getting in. Byulyi knocked on it pathetically, calling her name in the sweetest tones she could muster. Yongsun laughed loudly, grabbing her sleeping clothes as she headed for the ensuite bathroom.

“I'll be sure to use up all the hot water - the cold one’s all yours!” Byulyi cursed, which only deepened Yongsun’s mirth. Stepping into the shower, she grinned goofily to herself, basking in her victory. Oh, Byulyi would get back at her. Somehow. The thought made another shiver go up Yongsun’s back.

She couldn't wait.


	3. the dawn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you notice, the work has an M rating now. *runs away in embarrassment*
> 
> I've never written smut before, so let me know what you think!

Yongsun tended to sleep like the dead, rarely moving or making noises in her slumber. This worked out for Byulyi, who was such a light sleeper she woke up with the sunrise, no matter how tired she was. 

On this morning though, Byulyi woke up to the feeling of fingers on her skin. 

“What time is it?” The touch on her stomach left, and there was some fumbling. Yongsun’s voice was sleep-dry, rattling over the consonants in a way that always raised Byulyi’s hair in anticipation. “5.55.” 

“What are you doing up?” Byulyi knew her best friend was tired. Had seen it in the lazy way she'd smiled in the van last night, in the slowed speech that had begun to slur sometime between leaving set and arriving home. As much as the thought of being intimate with Yongsun excited her, she wanted to make sure Yongsun was getting enough rest. “Go back to sleep.”

“I’m not tired.” The pout was in her voice, God, how could Byulyi resist? Opening her eyes was her first mistake. 

“Are you sure? We got home really late.” 

“Byul-ah.” Byulyi felt her throat go dry, looking up at this woman who’d raised herself up on an elbow to stare down at her. An idle part of her brain wondered when her best friend had taken off her pyjamas. “Kiss me.”

The kiss was messy, Yongsun doing most of the work because Byulyi - somehow - was still half-asleep. Her senses got a shock when Yongsun pressed close - the heat of her body seared even through the cloth of Byulyi’s shirt. The rapper reached her hand up to cup the back of Yongsun’s neck, her fingers scratching at the base of Yongsun’s hairline. The leader shuddered, followed compliantly as Byulyi urged her over her body. Yongsun straddled her hips, never breaking the kiss. 

They didn't have roles in the bedroom. Rather, each experience was a game of give and take. Sure, there were times where one received more than gave, but neither really kept count. It didn't matter in Byulyi’s mind, especially when each time they were together, Byulyi found out something new about the other woman. 

(Like how dirty talk turned her on, that sound she made if Byulyi nipped her hipbone, the way she would blush - so red, so warm - if Byulyi held her eyes as she came. They were precious, these memories, secrets Byulyi tucked into that space between her head and her heart, sometimes clogging her throat so much she couldn't speak.) 

“I’m wearing too many clothes,” Byulyi pulled away to whine, Yongsun rolling her eyes because of course she knew Byulyi would say something like that. She batted away Byulyi’s hands that were about to lift the hem of her shirt, doing it herself and taking the time to enjoy the softness of Byulyi’s stomach. The rapper groaned, the leader’s assertive touch leaving trails of fire in her wake. She rose up to press kisses to Yongsun’s neck, carefully trailing them to her shoulder where she opened her mouth to bite. Yongsun hissed, her hands stopping over Byulyi’s breasts. 

“You can't,” she whispered, squeezing involuntarily when Byulyi pushed the limits by pressing her teeth lightly against the skin. “I’m not covered up tomorrow.” 

“Boo,” Byulyi grumbled, nosing the spot teasingly. “Why do you have such beautiful collarbones?” 

She yelped when Yongsun pinched the skin underneath her breast. “Behave,” Yongsun growled, making Byulyi laugh into her neck. 

She lost her breath when Yongsun pulled her shirt off, leaving them both bare except for their underwear. Yongsun’s hands fluttered around her hips, always as nervous as they first time she'd asked. Byulyi answered her with a kiss, the two of them maneuvering to take off the last pieces of cloth that kept them from touching each other fully. 

“Byul-ah,” Yongsun whispered into her ear, just holding onto her to feel her shudder. “How mad would you be if I told you I was too tired now?” 

Byulyi was sure Yongsun could feel the racing of Byulyi’s heart in her throat, a laugh bubbling out of her nervously despite herself. “I would hate it. Absolutely hate it.” Because having Yongsun this close was a sweet torture. Byulyi wanted to indulge for as long as she could. “Don't you dare.” 

She swallowed Yongsun’s laugh with her mouth, pressing closer and closer, as close as she could. She wished sometimes she could wrap herself up in Yongsun, feel her warmth around her forever, smell that light scent of a flower Byulyi didn't know the name of. It was romantic, and melodramatic, but Byulyi truly believed that as long as Yongsun was by her side, Byulyi could face anything. 

The first touch came from Byulyi, finding Yongsun wet and warm. The leader gasped, arched her back, leaving Byulyi to stare. They were both sitting up now, pressed close. Byulyi leant down to litter kisses over the tops of Yongsun’s breasts, her fingers purposely gentle as she found her clit. Light, teasing circles had Yongsun keening, and Byulyi would never tire of the sound. 

Nor would she tire of hearing her name from Yongsun’s lips. “ _ Byulyi _ .” Yongsun’s voice had always attracted Byulyi to her. The commanding tone had her swallowing, going faster and faster, hard circles that made made Yongsun’s gasps faster in turn. 

And when Byulyi dipped her fingers in, it was over, Yongsun coming with a loud cry. Byulyi watched it happen carefully, wishing she could etch this moment onto paper and keep it somewhere safe. She laid her down, not ceasing her thrusts, working Yongsun through this orgasm and right into another one. Yongsun gasped, realising what she was doing, and started squirming, her breaths coming out broken and high. Sweat pooled in between her breasts, and Byulyi leant down to press kisses there, keeping her thrusts slow, making sure to crook her fingers right at the edge so she could hear Yongsun make that  _ one _ noise.

She made sure to go slower this time, pulling away at the last minute only to have Yongsun whine, tug at her wrist and pull her back in. Always driving her to the end, but making her wait for her release. 

The second one was no less intense than the first, and Byulyi would have kept going into another one, uncaring of how tired her arm was, if Yongsun hadn't gripped her wrist, chanting “Wait, wait, wait,” with what little breath she had left. Byulyi stilled, feeling Yongsun’s walls clench and shudder around her fingers. The rapper pressed her face into her leader’s neck, wanting to feel Yongsun’s pulse race against her cheek. When she removed her fingers eventually, Yongsun let out a surprised gasp. 

“You okay?” Byulyi murmured, nuzzling into the spot behind her best friend’s ear. “I didn't hurt you?”

“No.” Yongsun’s voice sounded choked, a little incredulity in it. “God, no.” 

Her pulse was still racing too fast for Byulyi’s liking, and she pulled herself off, pressing herself into Yongsun’s side so she could breathe. She deliberately slowed her own breathing, trying to help Yongsun catch her own. “That was payback for earlier.” 

Yongsun huffed, amused. “That's it?” The leader turned her head, looking up at her best friend, who had her head propped up on an elbow. “That's pretty weak, Byul-ah.”

The rapper rolled her eyes in disbelief. Bopping Yongsun on the nose, she tucked a lock of Yongsun’s hair behind her ear. The leader squirmed. Byulyi chuckled.

“What's wrong?” She asked, even though she knew exactly what was wrong. Yongsun pouted, staring at the hand Byulyi had touched her with. Byulyi’s amusement grew into a belly laugh. “It's not gross, Yeba.”

“It is.”

“No, it's not.” 

“That was in me.”

“And what a wonderful place it was.” Byulyi rolled away before Yongsun could hit her, nearly falling off the bed in her haste. “Yah, Moon Byulyi!” 

“Yes, Kim Yongsun?” She crawled back over, careful to stay out of the other woman’s reach. Yongsun growled, eyes glaring daggers at her, but her blush was so pretty Byulyi couldn't help but stare. “You called?”

“You're a pervert.” 

“I learnt from the best.”

This time round, Yongsun did catch her

(or maybe Byulyi let her catch her)

pinned her down onto the bed, a mischievous grin on her face. Byulyi didn't expect the tickles to start, laughing and twisting, trying to bat her hands away. But she refused to use any real strength against her, letting Yongsun have her fun, enduring the pain because Yongsun’s laughter was so bright, Byulyi almost forgot it was dawn. 

But when the torture finally stopped, Byulyi was reminded as soon as she opened her eyes. Because the sun had snuck up on them, slowly lightening the room and wrapping it in an orange glow. Yongsun took her breath away then, what little of it Byulyi had left. She looked absolutely stunning. 

“Wow.” 

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“No, it's not -” Byulyi stopped Yongsun from pulling away in her self-consciousness. The leader looked at her nervously, blinking in confusion. “You're just so beautiful.” 

And even though the sunlight was filling the room more and more with each second, even though there was enough light coming in through the window to give Yongsun the prettiest shadows, Byulyi thought Yongsun’s pleased smile was the brightest thing in the world.

\----

These were the facts, as Byulyi knew them. The first was that Moon Byulyi loved Kim Yongsun. Maybe it wasn't quite the kind of love that ended up in marriage and kids and the whole shebang, but it was pretty darn close. 

(It was the kind of love that had Byulyi texting Yongsun constantly, the kind of love that made her feel warm inside when she saw Yongsun happy, the kind of love that made her want to be around Yongsun all the time, because Byulyi always wanted to see her smile and hear her laugh.)

The second was that Kim Yongsun liked her back. It wasn't love yet - not the way Byulyi knew she loved her, but enough that Yongsun would take a chance on them, would disregard the fact that she'd never liked a girl before, would reach out for her even though her fingers trembled with fear sometimes. Byulyi understood that state a little too well, that tension between trying to unlearn what you thought you knew and trying to stay true to who you thought you were at the same time. Falling in love with a girl was never easy. Doubly so if you were a girl yourself.

Byulyi’s first crush was on her best friend when she was thirteen. Back then, Byulyi had no idea it was a crush, hadn't known what shape and form it took, hadn't known what powers it had on your actions. All she knew was that she followed her best friend around everywhere, even though people would look at her with pitying eyes.  _ Poor Byulyi _ , they would whisper behind her back.  _ Jisoo’s such a bitch. Can't she see that Jisoo’s just playing her? _

In the beginning the words hadn't hurt her. But by the end, she was distancing, pulling away because Jisoo suddenly wouldn't look her in the eye, would only reach out for her if there were guys watching them, would push her around and ask sweetly if Byulyi would buy her things because  _ aw man, I left my wallet at home again _ . 

Byulyi had recognized that that wasn't what she wanted in a friendship, even if she didn't recognize the feeling of tightness in her chest as heartache. She would only realise that that was what having a crush on a girl was like when she was nineteen, sitting in a bar surrounded by boys and girls hoping to hook up with each other. A guy had been making eyes at her all night, and while Byulyi had never been all that self-conscious about the way she dressed while growing up, she had felt distinctly uncomfortable in her sleeveless top and tight jeans. It only went away when her friend - who was a girl - had leant into her, reaching for her hand and asked her to follow her to the washroom. Her friend’s eyes had been softer, less invasive, and Byulyi had been more than okay to follow her. 

(They'd ended up sharing a kiss in one of the stalls, a shy, tentative thing.) 

(Her friend hadn't wanted to lose her first kiss to some guy she didn't know.) 

(Byulyi had seen her off in a cab with one of the boys, and stumbled home alone, buzzing not from soju, but from  _ knowing _ .) 

So Byulyi was okay with Yongsun never saying “I love you” back. Because she didn’t want to rush her into it, because she knew how scary it all was.

The third, and last fact that Byulyi knew was this: despite how many times they kissed, despite how many times they had sex, Kim Yongsun was not her girlfriend. 

Did Byulyi want her to be her girlfriend? Maybe. Byulyi wasn't quite sure herself. It felt  _ big _ to say. 

(And maybe a part of her was afraid too.)

There were a lot of things about their relationship Byulyi didn't know. But she knew these three things. And she was okay with that. 

Time, Byulyi had written down once in her diary, was really the only way to know anything for sure. All you could do in the moment was live. 


	4. the morning after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More character study, and Wheein

Yongsun’s first sexual experience wasn't the most exciting. In fact, it had been incredibly awkward and not really romantic at all.

  
Sure, it had started romantic. Her third boyfriend had laid out flowers, lit candles, the whole shebang. Yongsun was pretty sure he'd been inspired by a book Yongsun had mentioned enjoying in passing once. He had been good at things like that.

  
They'd started with kissing - this was about four months into their relationship, and they'd gone through all the awkward lessons of how to kiss the other, because each person was different, and Yongsun believed that practice made perfect - by the entryway of the single room in the hotel they'd booked out for that night. It had been an odd, but exciting conversation, planning for this trip to Jeju Island, shaped by the implications of having a whole room to themselves all night, without parents or curfews to think about. It had started slow, Yongsun’s back to the room, and he'd turned her around, asked her to take a look. She'd gasped, he'd laughed, and they had kissed again, eventually making their way to the bed.

  
And then this was the part stories never really could convey. The awkward fumbling and trying to figure out how sex worked.

Yongsun had read a lot of erotica

  
(The first time she'd tried porn, she'd squealed and instantly shut her laptop.)

  
(She didn't have brothers and had no idea that was what a dick looked like.)

  
(And before anyone judged her, she just wanted to make it clear that she'd been fourteen at that time.)

  
And vaguely knew the mechanics, but this was beyond her realm of imagination. He'd been a modest length, but it was his first time too. He'd stopped halfway through kissing down her body, fumbled out a condom and put it on. Yongsun had noticed the description on the packet and felt even more nervous when she realised they were “ribbed for her pleasure”.

  
(She sometimes wondered who “her” was. Yongsun had definitely not enjoyed the feel of it in her.)

  
The worst part of it all, she deduces much later, was how quiet it had all been. Shyness and nerves weren't a good combo, and had turned them both silent as he tried to get her wet enough to take him. In the end, Yongsun had had to use some spit to help them along, and he'd groaned as he'd slid inside her. Yongsun had shut her eyes and let it happen, biting her lips at the pain she'd felt.

  
That first experience might have been enough to swear her off sex for a while, but the second time went better, and then the third.

  
(But really, with a first time like that? The bar was really low.)

  
He'd been embarrassed after their first time, ashamed he hadn't had more self-control to help her get ready. Yongsun had assured him that it had been okay, something like guilt and shame in her own throat, though logically she knew it wasn't her fault. It wasn't anyone’s fault. It was just how it was.

  
They'd done it a few more times after that, but it wasn't something Yongsun really looked forward to. Instead, she saved it for special occasions like their anniversary, or after a really good date. To his credit, he never pushed

  
(though by the end of the relationship, it had made a lot more sense)

  
and by the end of it all, Yongsun hadn't had sex in over a year. She didn't miss it.

  
Until Byulyi, of course. It was overwhelming, how much Byulyi made her want it, or to at least try. Their first time had happened while they had been drunk, Byulyi wrestling her home and trying to undress her so she could sleep comfortably when Yongsun pulled her down and kissed her. Byulyi had reared back in shock, but Yongsun had followed, her hands gripping her collar still.

  
“Kiss me,” she remembered commanding. “I know you want to.” The alcohol was making her dizzy, but Yongsun knew enough that sleeping with Byulyi wouldn't be something she would regret in the morning. They were best friends - even if it was awkward, they would be able to get past it. Byulyi’s pupils were blown wide open, and Yongsun remembered thinking that she'd never seen her friend’s eyes that dark before. It had felt like a challenge, to be that close to her, to press her lips and give her the invitation to go further than friends should go.

Byulyi had swallowed, and Yongsun had smiled.

  
(That was the first time she'd ever had an orgasm. It would have been a 100 on any scale.)

  
\---

Byulyi wasn't actually sure if their maknaes knew about her and Yongsun. It wasn't hard to guess that they were close, obviously, and even easier to guess that they were physically more comfortable with each other than most friends were. And since Byulyi and Yongsun weren't actually dating, there was nothing to tell them, really.

  
Maybe the fact that Byulyi had no idea what they would say to it kept her from saying it aloud, or to do something that would give it away in front of them. It would be so easy, she supposed, to drop a comforting kiss onto Yongsun’s cheek, to seek out the leader’s touch in the moments when it was only the four of them. But the fear of knowing kept her from it.

  
Sometimes, on late nights after concerts, with adrenaline buzzing in her veins but exhaustion clouding her mind, Byulyi would let herself wonder. Imagine what it would be like if everyone knew how happy Yongsun made her. How heady the feeling would be if she could reach for her hand or pull her close in front of a crowd, introduce her to strangers as the person who was by her side. Byulyi would be the first to admit that she was a closet romantic

  
(but that was okay, because she suspected Yongsun was one too)

  
and often, she wished she could hand Yongsun flowers and watch the way her eyes would light up up close instead of having to get them sent to their dressing rooms and having to watch it from across the room.

  
But she would quickly drive these thoughts out of her mind. Because Yongsun wasn't ready, and neither was Byulyi. She'd never done well with judgement.

  
(See: how she locked herself up in her house for a month and went on a crazy diet after she didn't debut because she was too “fat”.)

  
Maybe Wheein and Hyejin could be that first step.

  
(Byulyi had a feeling they were the beginning of an end though.)

  
\---

  
Wheein had gone to Byulyi’s apartment first, pressing the bell incessantly just to annoy her unnie. When there wasn't any reply after a minute or two, she sighed and trudged back down the stairs, wishing this didn't happen so often because she honestly was too lazy to make the extra trip to Yongsun’s apartment.

She should have known really. Byulyi had mentioned something about surprising Yongsun on set yesterday.

  
Byulyi opened the door almost immediately when Wheein rang the bell at Yongsun’s place. She wasn't exactly bright-eyed, despite the late hour, but she did look happy. Wheein held up the bags of takeout she’d brought, and Byulyi paused in combing her hand through her sleep-mussed hair to smile brightly.

  
“We were just about to make breakfast,” she explained, letting Wheein through, taking the bags from her as Wheein toed off her shoes.

  
“It's almost lunch, unnie.” The rapper was unfazed, laughing a little as she padded to the kitchen. She moved through the place comfortably, pulling plates and cutlery from cupboards and drawers, offering Wheein drinks from the fridge without having to check what was inside. Wheein settled herself on Yongsun’s soft couch, patting her thigh for Jjing Jjing. The dog dutifully plopped his head down.

  
“Yongsun’s just showering,” Byulyi mentioned casually, plating the pancakes Wheein had brought. “Is Hyejin coming?”

  
“She said she might.” Wheein’s phone had been silent all morning. “She's probably still sleeping. She was up late last night reading that manga series she bought in Japan.”

  
“Ah, I don't know how she does that.” Byulyi rubbed the back of her neck, her face twisted up in imagined horror. “Gives me the creeps.”

  
“It's Hyejin.”

  
“What about Hyejin?” Yongsun came out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her head but dressed. Byulyi held up the food Wheein had brought with a smile.

  
“Wheein brought breakfast!”

  
“Wah. Thank you Wheeinie, I was starving.”

  
Wheein waved off their gratitude, continuing to pet Jjing Jjing in her lap. She was pretty sure Yongsun’s dog had fallen asleep on her.

  
From her position on the couch, Wheein watched her unnies interact, observing how Yongsun brushed against Byulyi in reaching for something, how playfully they bickered over Yongsun’s wet hair. Byulyi set the table while Yongsun got the drinks, neither of them pausing in their faux-fight to direct the other. That kind of synergy, Wheein mused, was enviable.

  
“Wheeinie, come eat.” Byulyi called, pulling out chairs for them. Yongsun took the one next to her, her hand resting casually on Byulyi’s thigh, twisting around to look at their maknae when Wheein didn't join them. She gestured helplessly at Jjing Jjing, who was snuffling lightly in his sleep. She didn't have the heart to wake him.

  
“Okay, we’ll come over to you then.” They were also prone to using the royal We. As if they expected the other to not have problems with whatever the choice was, as long as they were together. Wheein flashed them a thumbs up.

  
Eventually they were all settled around the couch, Wheein cuddled up in the corner with Yongsun’s dog. Byulyi had managed to talk Yongsun into toweling her hair dry, the wet cloth thrown into a hamper that had a sweater in it Wheein was pretty sure she'd seen both of them wear at one point or another. Their leader had turned on the television and left it to run quietly in the background, Byulyi by her feet and watching it intently. Yongsun was sitting with her legs to the side, her calves Byulyi’s backrest. Wheein ate her pancakes quietly, sneakily glancing at the two of them as they whispered to one another. She had a feeling Yongsun was filling the rapper in about the drama.

  
“What are you guys doing for the rest of the day?” They didn't need to be at the salon till 4pm, so that left another four hours of time in between. Wheein didn't have plans herself, which was why she'd decided to come visit. Hyejin would probably want to spend the rest of the day reading whatever she didn't manage to finish last night.

  
Yongsun glanced at the maknae, shrugging carelessly. “We didn't have anything planned.”

  
“Unnie, we should go grocery shopping.” Byulyi didn't look away from the show, so she couldn’t see Yongsun’s dismay, but could no doubt hear the leader’s tired sigh. “Do you want to pass me your list?”

  
Wheein pretended not to notice the grateful and fond look Yongsun gave the rapper. Instead, Wheein petted Jjing Jjing’s head gently, finishing off the rest of her pancakes in silence.

  
Did her unnies know about the vibes they gave off? Domesticated, comfortable, familiar. Wheein and Hyejin were definitely close, but not the way their unnies were.

  
Sometimes, Wheein would let a stray thought pass through her mind - what if? What if there was more behind all the fan service, and Wheein just refused to see?

  
A toe poked into her side. Yongsun was watching her intently, concern in her eyes. Wheein blinked. How long had she been stuck in her own head?

  
“If you don't eat, Wheeinie, I might take it from you.”

  
“Ah, unnie, I bought you three pieces!”

  
“You did?” Yongsun’s gaze narrowed. “I only had two.”

  
They both turned to stare at the rapper, unaware of the predicament she was now in. On her plate was one last pancake, though Wheein was sure it wasn't her second. Laughter already building up in her throat, Wheein pressed her fist against her mouth to muffle them. Yongsun held out her plate; Wheein took it with glee.

  
It didn't matter what the true nature of their relationship was, Wheein thought as she watched Yongsun lock an arm around Byulyi’s neck, reaching with the other to grab at Byulyi’s plate. The rapper squealed and resisted, laughter bubbling in her throat as she tried to defend herself. Wheein was _envious_ of whatever her unnies had.

  
(The word _friends_ didn't quite cut it for them anymore.)

(Then again, had it ever?)


	5. the secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're seriously not dating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time skip ahead. Really unsure about this one, so feedback is still appreciated:) Thanks again to everyone who left reviews on the previous chapters - they really keep me going.

How did Byulyi know they weren't dating? It happened like this:

They were having lunch at some out of the way restaurant they'd found in Japan, on their first trip there. Wheein and Hyejin were chattering on about something or other when Yongsun leaned over to peer at Byulyi’s phone.

“What are you doing?” She mumbled around her mouthful of noodles, seeing that Byulyi had a chat window up. Byulyi blinked and felt her heart thrumming in her throat, her fingers twitching as she tried to find some way to explain that she was texting her ex, with the knowledge that she and Yongsun had slept together for the first time just the week before. Even swallowing didn't push her heart back down to her rib cage. “Who are you texting?”

They hadn't really talked about it since it happened. Byulyi had chickened out after staring at Yongsun’s sleeping form draped in the sheets she'd pulled over them after the act was done. And when Yongsun had come out for breakfast, she'd pressed a sleepy kiss to Byulyi’s cheek and proceeded to whine till Byulyi set her breakfast of eggs in front of her.

“Just someone I used to know.” Byulyi clenched and unclenched her fist under the table. She managed a curl of her lips. Yongsun hummed and then peeked at her screen again. Byulyi let her.

“They want to meet up again?” Yongsun’s chewing slowed, looking up at Byulyi through her lashes. Byulyi’s tried swallowing again. She shrugged.

Yongsun stared at her for a moment. Then went back to her noodles. “We're back in Korea tomorrow. You should see her over the weekend.”

Byulyi’s fingers stayed clenched. “You don't mind?”

Yongsun shook her head as she brought another mouthful of food to her lips. “No. You're free to see whoever you want.”

And Byulyi’s fingers unclenched. Taking a sip of her sake, she felt it settle like a warm fire.

“Okay.”

(Their bout of sex that night was fast and frenzied, Byulyi biting and rough. Yongsun gave back as good as she got.)

(The next day, they both stayed close, keeping an eye on each other's scarves.)

\---

Byulyi was passed out on the couch when Yongsun got home, with her feet aching and head throbbing. She wasn't surprised to see the rapper in her apartment.

Keeping her noise level down, Yongsun left the lights off as she tiptoed to where her best friend was sleeping, wondering how long she'd been waiting. They had to be up in two hours. Yongsun hoped Byulyi had been asleep for a while.

Deciding against waking her, Yongsun grabbed her clothes from her bedroom and took a shower, taking her time shampooing and standing under the hot water. There was no point for her to sleep now. She'd just be cranky, and her headache would get worse.

She had resolved to make breakfast and lunch for the girls by the time she stepped out, already dressed for the day in jeans and a white shirt. It wasn't until she passed by her bathroom mirror that she realised the shirt was Byulyi’s. Yongsun decided it looked good on her.

She unplugged the study lamp from her room, setting it up so it lit the kitchen without disturbing the rapper - who was stuck in an uncomfortable position, it looked like. Yongsun was going to leave her in favour of not waking her up, but the thought that Byulyi would wake up with a crick in her neck bothered her so much she had to set aside the ingredients she was pulling out to move her. Byulyi’s eyes fluttered open at her touch - which Yongsun had been expecting, really - but she wasn’t quite awake yet.

(Yongsun secretly loved that Byulyi took a while to warm up to waking.)

Yongsun smiled apologetically, gently urging her to lie down properly.

“It’s still early. Go back to sleep.”

“I was waiting for you,” Byulyi yawned, rubbing her eyes with her other hand. “Did you have fun at the reunion?”

Yongsun’s university coursemates had been eager to talk about her fame, ribbing her for her dorky antics and embarrassing moments. More than once, someone told a story about how they’d bragged to someone else about knowing Yongsun before she was famous. Yongsun had felt awkward the whole night, because she could never remember fun times like these happening while they’d gone to university together. In fact, a lot of the girls had stayed away from her. Yongsun had always gotten along better with the boys.

“It was okay,” Yongsun said, shrugging as she straightened and looked away. “You should go sleep on the bed.”

“You’re not going to sleep?” Byulyi followed her to the kitchen, shuffling tiredly as she woke up more. Yongsun sighed when she felt arms wind around her stomach. Byulyi propped her chin on her shoulder. “Are you making food? And why aren't you using the kitchen light?”

“We need to be up in two hours. You needed the sleep, and I was making you breakfast.” Byulyi pressed her smile into Yongsun’s neck, squeezing tightly. “Ah, yah, I can’t make it if you’re this close.”

“Is it because I’m distracting?” Byulyi tickled Yongsun gently. “I want something with kimchi.”

“I’m just going to make some french toast.”

“Ah, but that’s so oily.”

“You will eat it and be happy.”

“Yongdonnie is using her leader voice…” Byulyi sing-songed, rocking the other woman back and forth. Yongsun felt a laugh bubble out of her despite herself, before pushing the rapper away, waving a spatula threateningly.

“You are going back to sleep.”

“I don’t want to,” Byulyi pouted, clapping her hands together. “I want to watch you make me breakfast.”

“Go away.” Yongsun rolled her eyes, to Byulyi’s delight. The rapper settled into one of the dining room chairs, taking out her phone and snapping a picture. Yongsun pretended to miss it, enjoying the warmth that pooled in her belly, curling her lips up into a goofy smile. Her headache hurt less now, but she still crossed to the fridge to get some medicine after setting all the ingredients out. Byulyi noticed.

“Are you feeling sick?” Yongsun downed the pills without any water, making a face at the bitter taste. The rapper shot herself out of the chair. Yongsun stepped back from her hovering hands. “Yah, Kim Yongsun.”

“I’m fine,” Yongsun smiled. “Just a headache.” Byulyi didn’t believe her. She pressed their foreheads together, Yongsun resigning with another sigh. Byulyi clucked her tongue.

“You should be resting.”

“Don’t want to.” Yongsun didn’t miss the irony of this statement. “Let me make you guys lunch.” Byulyi looked upset, but she bit her tongue. “I’ll just be cranky later.”

“I want to help you,” Byulyi said, joining her at the counter. Yongsun gave in. When Byulyi used _that_ tone, Yongsun knew there was no fighting. They were both stubborn when they wanted to be. “What were you thinking of making?”

And so Yongsun directed her on putting together sandwiches and a few salads they could all share later. She would have liked to cook something with rice or noodles, but it wouldn’t last till midday, and she had a feeling they wouldn’t be eating on time anyway. They were scheduled to fly to China first thing, to film the Leader’s CF. Reflecting on the precious time she wasted at the reunion that she could have spent resting, Yongsun decided it hadn’t been worth it. She just didn't expect Byulyi to pick up on it.

“I guess you didn’t have fun at the reunion after all,” Byulyi said, concentrating on rinsing the vegetables under water. Yongsun’s steady slicing of spam faltered.

“How do you know that?”

“You’re not talking about it.” Byulyi nudged the tap off, shook the greens free of water. She set them aside, leaning against the counter to stare steadily at her best friend. “Did they say something to you?”

Yongsun shook her head. “No, you don’t have to worry about it.” Byulyi frowned. “I’m serious, it’s just me being sensitive.”

“Hey.” Byulyi reached out to grab her wrist, forcing Yongsun to look at her. “Tell me what’s bothering you.”

And maybe it was because Yongsun knew Byulyi would listen, maybe it was because of the concern Byulyi wasn’t even trying to hide - Yongsun did. The rapper nodded in all the right parts, looking more and more worried the longer Yongsun talked. Her frown had deepened into the beginnings of a scowl by the time she was done. It looked foreign on her face. Distasteful.

“That’s not very nice.” Yongsun deflated slightly, turning away, but Byulyi caught her chin with a finger. “Not you. But them. You should’ve stood up to them. Told them to stop.”

“What’s the point?” Yongsun shivered, her hand tightening over the handle of the knife. “Isn’t that what maturing is all about? Growing past old prejudices, old griefs?”

“You can’t ignore history like that.” Byulyi stepped into her space, and suddenly Yongsun remembered telling her a story about the time one of her coursemates thought she was seeing the guy she liked, where Yongsun had found her things floating in the university’s fountain, just like high school again. Shame crawled through her veins, and Yongsun looked away, pulling her lips into her mouth. Byulyi took another step in.

“Yongsun?”

“Ah, don’t worry so much,” Yongsun said light-heartedly. It hurt to linger on the topic. Yongsun had believed she’d moved past it, patched over the hurt. Guess not. “I won’t go to the next one.”

“Okay.” Byulyi’s fingers found Yongsun’s free hand, perched on the counter next to the cutting board. They settled over the back of it, pressing tightly so Yongsun could feel their warmth. “You deserve better than that.”

Yongsun scoffed, but it was just good-hearted embarrassment that coloured her cheeks now. “You really can’t help yourself, can you?”

Recognising the teasing tone for what it was, Byulyi played along, steering them firmly out of these uncertain waters they’d found themselves in. Heavy conversations like these weren’t meant for them. “I meant it, Yeba. A beautiful woman like you deserves to be complimented all the time.”

“Don’t make me use this on you.” Yongsun lifted the knife threateningly, her smile turning more genuine. Byulyi just laughed out loud, pleased with her reaction. She squeezed the hand underneath hers. Yongsun turned it over so she could twine her fingers between her best friend’s.

Idly, she realised her head wasn’t throbbing anymore.

(All she could really feel was the warmth of Byulyi’s hand in hers.)

(She wondered when it was that just having Byulyi close had became a balm.)

\---

It wasn't really the fake camaraderie that Yongsun had hated most - no, that honour went to the constant questioning of her relationship with Eric Nam.

“I watched your episodes with him on _We Got Married.”_

“Have you contacted him after the show?”

“Has he contacted _you_?”

That last question got a bunch of titters. One of them had pointed out that _she wouldn't be surprised_ , completely missing the way Yongsun shrunk in her seat. _They had been so close, after all. Did you all see their performance of My Ear Is Candy? He looked like he was going to kiss her at the end!_

He _had_ kissed her, after that. Or rather, Yongsun had finally let him. It had been no secret that Eric had been slowly falling for her throughout the filming. He had wanted to be upfront with her, and so had told her as soon as he realised. Yongsun had appreciated his honesty, even though she couldn't reciprocate his feelings.

The kiss had maybe been a last attempt at finding _something_ between them. Because they did have the sexual chemistry, Yongsun knew.

“But there's nothing here,” Eric had pointed out sadly, tapping the spot above his chest with a finger. The hallway they had decided to have this conversation in suddenly felt unsafe, too crowded with fragile moments and things that needed to be said. Yongsun hoped none of the recording staff came looking for them now.

She managed a smile for him, but had nothing else to say. Eric looked away, tucking his hands under his armpits. It was defensive, Yongsun realised. Eric was protecting himself.

“Maybe,” she found herself saying, the words rushing out like water on her tongue. “Maybe if there wasn't someone else…”

“He must be very lucky.” Eric said, and Yongsun’s thoughts immediately turned to Moon Byulyi and her goofy smile and charming voice and her hands that always sought out Yongsun, telling her that Byulyi was always there, would always be there, always be in reach.

Yongsun shook her head and ducked her head bashfully. “I think,” she said softly, aware of all the many ways this could go wrong. Eric had proven that he was nothing but a good person, who supported his friends and held loyalty in high regard. “I think I’m lucky to have her instead.”

The pause that came after her statement was loaded, and Yongsun peered at his face anxiously, wishing she knew what was going on in his head. The idol looked at her, his face scrunched up as he tried to to understand. And then he did.

(Yongsun wanted to run away.)

“Well, then,” he said, letting his arms fall by his side. “Let me extend my congratulations.” The smile he had was comforting. There was nothing but sincerity and support in his eyes. Yongsun felt faint. She tried to shake the feeling off with laughter, her own arms coming up to try and hold herself together. She couldn't believe she'd said that aloud.

(God, it felt good.)

“Do I know her?” Eric asked, his voice tentative. And he didn't need to know, not really. Their time together was ending, maybe only a few episodes left and they would part ways for a long time, only seeing each other at music competitions or award shows. He didn't need to know.

But Yongsun did want to tell him.

(Because Yongsun may not have liked him back, but she liked his honesty, his bravery, his _acceptance_ -)

“Yeah.” She was nodding. “Yeah, you know her.” And the way Eric’s eyes softened, the way his smile curled - Yongsun knew he knew exactly who it was.

(She remembered then, watching one of the early episodes, Byulyi telling the panel and audience that they were very close.)

(“We know each other’s feelings just by looking.”)

“Ah,” He ruffled his hair, a huff of disbelief escaping him. Yongsun blinked. “I never stood a chance, did I?” That was a question Yongsun wasn't sure how to answer aloud. Her lips felt heavy from the kiss they had shared. “You suit each other.”

And Yongsun laughed again, this time not out of fear or shock, but with that giddy feeling she was starting to associate with being with Byulyi.

(Had she ever felt this way before?)

(How cliche.)

That feeling - she was still trying to figure it out out a few weeks later, the thought of what it could mean chasing the ends of thoughts. It lent itself to all her interactions with Byulyi now, leading to thoughtful silences and seeking comfort in the warmth of her best friend's body. Byulyi had asked if everything was okay once, during one of their rare mornings off together. Yongsun decided not to tell her about her kiss with Eric Nam.

(It was a conversation that was too heavy for them, too real.)

(They weren't dating, after all. Even if they _did_ do everything two people who were dating would.)

Yongsun had shrugged and simply plucked a kiss from Byulyi's lips, content to pull her closer and return her attention to the drama onscreen. 

Yongsun thought about that feeling again, while surrounded by people who thought they knew her, but didn't really. It gave her comfort, warmer than the soju she was drinking. They could speculate her relationship with Eric Nam all they wanted, she decided. But they would never know about the person who was really closest to her heart.

(She had a fleeting thought of telling them about Byulyi too.)

(But then she realised they, just like Eric Nam, really didn't need to know.)


	6. the admission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three times Yongsun gets jealous and the one time Byulyi does. 
> 
> (Or: the one where they get their shit together. Vaguely.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly just wanted to get this out there. Thank you to everyone who's still sticking with this!

Okay, it isn’t that Byulyi is a total idiot. She was Yongsun’s best friend, not to mention her number one fan. Byulyi paid a lot of attention to the woman, because god knew someone had to look out for her. What if she ended up getting suckered into another variety show as stupid as ‘We Got Married’? 

(Both of them don’t talk about it anymore. It gets wrapped up nicely and put in a photo album in their minds. Something to take out and show the kids like twenty years later, when Byulyi gets over it.)

(Spoiler: she will never get over it. Never.)

The point was this: Byulyi paid a lot of attention to Kim Yongsun. So when Yongsun starts behaving weirdly, Byulyi is the first to catch it. Okay, granted it was mostly three incidents fueling her paranoia, but it was three more than there should have been. 

The first was her behaviour when Byulyi starts filming ‘Idol Drama Operation Team’. This meant later nights, time spent away from Mamamoo that quickly puts a tension on the team that no one wants to name. It was the same kind of weirdness that existed within them when Yongsun was on ‘We Got Married’. A fear that they might come to an end as a group. 

But Byulyi has fun filming the show, especially because she gets paid to spend time with Seulgi. There’s also all the other parts to it, like writing her own dialogue, hanging out with the other girls and getting to experience being a leader. But it’s her time with Seulgi that gives her the most satisfaction in the beginning. Seulgi was cute and energetic and cool - all things that made their time together some of Byulyi’s favourite. Acting is hard though. Very hard. 

Yongsun helps her with the script, but they often get distracted. Which worried Byulyi a little. How was she meant to be emotional and cry when her first response to the line “Become a rapper or quit,” was the memory of Kim Yongsun looking stoic and  _ hot _ across from her?

They practice mostly in Yongsun’s bedroom, because Byulyi refuses to do it at their company, in case someone stumbles across her. It tickled the staff, really, the thought of Byulyi acting. Everyone still teased her about her webseries. 

(“You’ll never let me live it down, will you?”

“ _ Yah, be normal _ !”)

“Try not to cry when you say it.” Yongsun is actually a pretty good teacher. She doesn’t impose - just suggests new ways of exploring to see what fit. She was Byulyi’s rap teacher after all. “It looks fake when you say it like that.”

“But I felt really hurt when he said it,” Byulyi argued. “Shouldn’t that show?”

“Of course,” Yongsun reached a hand out, rubbing her thumb over the curve of Byulyi’s knee. The action had a Pavlovian response - Byulyi completely melted, ready to listen to what she had to say. “But would you want to cry in front of this person?” Byulyi shook her head, and Yongsun pulled back slightly. The rapper sighed as she let her head drop back against the cupboard door. She was never going to get through shooting this scene, she thought as she rubbed at her eyes. Even now, the pain from before - the embarrassment, the humiliation - nipped at her eyes.

“I’m sorry, you know.” Yongsun was avoiding her eyes, busying herself with the script. Byulyi blinked at her. “That they told you to rap.”

“What are you talking about?” Byulyi nudged her with her foot. She didn’t like the tone of Yongsun’s voice. “It was what was best for the team.”

“But your dream was to be a vocalist, right?” This seemed to really be bothering Yongsun. “And then we didn’t really talk about it, because we weren’t close yet. But you… you were right. You were really hurt.” The memory of the days after definitely still lingered. It was like the time Byulyi was told she couldn’t debut because she was too fat. That feeling of shame had never quite left, so she was stricter than the others regarding her diet. She didn’t think Yongsun was ever going to bring it up again, though. They had been more than happy to look forward and not back so far. 

“I tried to fight for you, you know.” Byulyi was alarmed when she heard Yongsun sniffle. “But he wouldn’t listen to me. He said…” Another sniffle. Byulyi couldn’t bear it. She got up to pull Yongsun into her lap, the leader not resisting. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Byulyi murmured, rubbing her hands up and down Yongsun’s shaking back. “Why are you crying over it? I like being a rapper. I mean, if I don’t do it, who will? You definitely can’t.” The joke lessened the tension in the room slightly. “Don’t think about it, Yongsun-ah. The CEO was right. We couldn’t see it then, but it’s definitely paying off now. I’m the girl crush rapper of Korea, didn’t you hear?” Byulyi’s heart skipped a beat when Yongsun laughed wetly. It was a good sound. “There’s no point wondering what could be when it’s already happened. In fact,” she pressed a kiss to the crown of Yongsun’s hair, breathing in the familiar vanilla scent of her shampoo. “I’m offended. Don’t you think I’m a good rapper?”

“Please,” Yongsun snorted, calming. “You had the best teacher.”

“Exactly.” Byulyi let Yongsun lean into her more, loving her weight against her body. “So don’t think about it, okay? You taught me how to see the good in it.” And she had. Always patiently listening to her practice, sending her songs she thought Byulyi could learn from. Byulyi would forever be grateful for the leader, who really stepped into her own in that situation. It seemed laughable now that Yongsun had ever worried that she wouldn’t be a good leader for Mamamoo. 

“Let’s continue?” Byulyi offered, sensing that Yongsun was getting over her crying. She leant over to grab the tissue box Yongsun kept next to her bed, offering them to her. She went back to checking over her script, wordlessly keeping Yongsun in her lap when the leader tried to leave. Eventually Yongsun sighed and settled comfortably into Byulyi. The rapper hid her smile against Yongsun’s head. 

They go through the lines of the scene again, Yongsun playing with Byulyi’s fingers to calm her down when Byulyi’s traitorous mind tried to drag her back into her memories. It helped ground her into the role she was playing, and Byulyi managed to do the scene to Yongsun’s satisfaction in three more tries. They move forward through the script, until they reach the part when Seulgi accuses Byulyi of fixing a deal with the CEO behind their backs. Yongsun glanced up to check on her, but Byulyi reassured her with a kiss. 

“Seulgi felt bad about this line,” the rapper explained. “She bought me samgyeopsal to make up for it, even though there was nothing to apologise for.” Byulyi laughed at the memory of sharing the meal with her friend, in this hole-in-the-wall establishment that didn’t have any other customers. The food wasn’t the best, but the company more than made up for it. “I teased her about being able to read my mind for phantom pain hurt. I thought she was so cute.”

“Really?” Yongsun’s eyes narrowed. She had an eyebrow raised. “You thought she was cute?”

“Yeah.” The thought that Yongsun was jealous did pass her mind, but it didn’t stick because 1) Yongsun was not just gorgeous, but mature, under all her apparent playfulness, and 2) they were all friends with Red Velvet. She wouldn’t think badly of their friends, would she? Byulyi’s brow furrowed. “Seulgi’s super cute.”

“Yeah, she is,” Yongsun turned back to the script. “I didn’t say she wasn’t.”

“Right.” Byulyi was missing something here, but she wasn’t sure what. So she continued on, reading the next line. She had to repeat it twice before Yongsun realised they were beginning again. She would have forgotten that incident if not for the fact that Yongsun was oddly quiet the rest of the night. 

(Which Byulyi decided to ignore in favour of the very,  _ very _ intense makeout session that Yongsun initiated after dinner.)

(Can she just say that Yongsun is an  _ amazing _ kisser? Because Yongsun was.)

So that was one. Yongsun didn’t say anything else on the matter, but she made sure to stay up to wait for Byulyi to come home, sometimes falling asleep on her couch with the television on. Byulyi always carried her to her room to cuddle. Yongsun sometimes woke up, but most times she didn’t. They were tired out from rehearsing for their comeback after all. 

Which brought her to her second point. Working on comebacks always stressed everyone out to some extent. They wanted to do well, wanted to make good music that made people happy, wanted to give good performances. So it was inevitable that they would spend a lot of time with the staff, perfecting their dances in between recording and filming and whatnot. 

But sometimes you just needed to take a night off, you know? Get out of the rehearsal studio, have a night on the town with people that weren’t the ones you saw eighteen hours everyday. So when Byulyi’s school friend Minju asked her out, Byulyi jumped at the opportunity. 

They ended up at a small bar they used to frequent when they were still in high school. It had a spicy ramyun challenge that Minju always did when they came, and Byulyi was always amused by her attempts. 

(Minju has not won once in nine years.)

Minju is a plain-looking girl that looked lovelier the longer you knew her. A lot of that had to do with her gentle demeanour, but she also had a wicked sense of humour that she didn’t spare her friends. Byulyi always laughed when she was with Minju - exactly the way she was now as she listened to Minju complain about her latest boyfriend. 

“Can we talk about how men are the worst?” Minju ranted as she waved her chopsticks over a bowl of much-too-red soup. “I don’t think I’ve ever met a guy who wasn’t an asshole.”

“You’re just bad at picking.” Byulyi moved Minju’s water out of the potential splash zone. “And will you keep it down? The woman behind you has been glaring at us for the past ten minutes.”   
Minju rolled her eyes, but acquiesced. “Can I just be like you? I’m giving up on men.”

“Sure. We sign our application forms with lipstick. And you have to cut your hair short.” Byulyi didn’t miss a beat. Minju groaned. “Calm down. You’ll find someone who will appreciate you the way you deserve.” 

Her friend scowled. “They better come quick. Or I’m gonna tie off my ovaries, and then where would we be?” Byulyi laughed, as she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. She took it out to see she had a message from Yongsun asking where she was. She quickly typed out a reply and set it on the table, Minju watching her carefully. “That someone special?”

“Huh?” Byulyi murmured around her straw. 

“Whoever’s texting you. You have that disgusting smile on your face.”

“I do not.” Byulyi was not amused. “And shut up. You were all gaga over your ex, and I didn’t say anything.”

“That’s ‘cause I’m not a hopeless romantic like you.” Minju licked her chopsticks slyly. “She hot?”

“What?”

“The girl you’re texting. Is she hot?” Byulyi stalled answering by replying to Yongsun’s next text asking what time she was coming over after. Minju didn’t stop staring as she made another dent in completing the challenge. There was no way she was going to win it tonight. They were at the halfway mark timewise, and she was nowhere near done. 

“Yes, she is,” Byulyi replied with a long-suffering sigh. “She is very, very hot.”

“Is this the same girl as last time?”

“What?”

“You know, the one you were telling me about. The one you have really hot sex with.” Byulyi blushed because she’d forgotten she’d told her about that. 

(Without names, of course, but Minju knew enough that she could use it to blackmail Byulyi if she wanted to.)

“Yes, she is.” 

“I knew it.” Minju looked way too pleased with herself. “You have feelings for her, don’t you?”

“I mean, I sleep with her. We do very intimate things. Of course I have feelings for her.”

“No, I mean you  _ love _ her.” Minju waved her chopsticks around again, and didn’t care to notice the now heated glare she got from the woman behind her. “You’re such a hopeless romantic.”

“That’s the second time you’ve said that. I’m not, okay?” 

“Yeah, you are.” Minju poked her chopsticks at her, and it took everything in Byulyi to not flinch back. “I know you, Moon Byulyi, and you are a bleeding heart. You love acting like a greasy old man, but you can’t do anything without feelings.” Minju winked. “I was there the first time you fell head over heals with Jisoo.” 

“Oh fuck you.” Byulyi didn’t swear often. She preferred to save it for ultimatums like these. “And stop bringing her up. We are not talking about her.”

“Sure, I won’t bring up the girl you pined over for the entirety of your teenage years. Nope. Won’t do it.” Minju didn’t laugh verbally, but the thought of it danced in her eyes and in her smirk. Byulyi kicked at her under the table. 

“Fuck off.” 

This time Minju did laugh. “Okay, okay. Fucking off from this topic.” Byulyi shot her one last withering glare as she read Yongsun’s latest text. She frowned. “What?”

“Nothing. I just… what do you think this means?” She held out the phone to Minju, hoping to get an outsider’s perspective on it. Yongsun’s name on her phone had been changed to a simple clown emoji with a heart, so it was safe to just wave it around. Minju read the thread with narrowed eyes.

“Wow. Sounds like she’s pissed at you.”

“Right?” Byulyi reread it again, wondering what she’d done to upset Yongsun. She had simply replied that she couldn’t promise what time she’d be back, but that Yongsun shouldn’t wait up for her. Byulyi might crash at her friend’s (read: Minju’s) place if it got too late. Yongsun had replied with a “Fine.” that sounded decidedly not fine. She blamed it on the full stop. 

“I thought you guys were just having sex?”

“Well, we are. But we’re friends too.” Byulyi mentioned distractedly as she wondered how to respond. “Should I ask her what’s wrong?”

“Uh, no. Girls hate it when you do that.” Minju poked Byulyi with her chopstick. “Try and figure it out. Otherwise just pretend you haven’t seen it and make it up to her tomorrow.” 

“I have no idea what it could be!” Byulyi wracked her brain a moment more before giving up and setting her phone aside. “Whatever. I’ll answer her later.”

“Just saying - she’ll know you’ve read it.” 

“Oh shit.” Byulyi immediately pulled her phone back towards her. Minju laughed. 

“Are you sure you don’t have feelings for her?”

“Eat your stupid spicy noodles already.” Byulyi did not want to entertain this line of thought while her friend was in a teasing mood. It rubbed her the wrong way, especially because she didn’t know the easy answer to that one. 

Of course Byulyi had feelings. She had come into this with them, and now they were growing slightly out of control. It was the little things: the way they just barged into the bathroom regardless of whether the other was in there or not, the way Yongsun let Byulyi keep her kitchen stocked with ingredients for meals Byulyi wanted to eat, the way Yongsun was so hesitant to touch her in public but more than made up for it when they were alone. 

(And the way Yongsun touched her in the dark of their bedrooms, the way she teased her by wearing lingerie she knew drove Byulyi crazy, the way she knew she couldn’t leave marks on Byulyi’s arms or neck or collarbone but took advantage of the fact that Byulyi rarely had to wear shorts that showed off her thighs.)

It was a little ridiculous, honestly. Byulyi’s crush on the woman she was sleeping with was slowly growing into love, and she knew that was an emotion Yongsun didn’t really know what to do with. They’d never talked about any of this. It felt too much like an overly complicated situation that had an equally complicated solution. 

And with their comeback coming up, Byulyi knew better than to try and do anything about it. They couldn’t afford that distraction, Byulyi especially. So she shut her mouth and focused on what she could do. Which was help Yongsun avoid the situation by not talking about it either.

It was a little hard to remember that when Minju gives her a hard stare and wagged her chopsticks at her. “I’m just saying, Moon Byulyi. You’re a hopeless romantic, but even those people have to work for their happy endings.”

The words stay with her when she stumbled back into her own apartment much later, not in the mood to deal with any more of Minju’s teasing. She fell into her own bed, scratching idly at the feel of her sheets against her skin and wondered when the last time she’d cleaned them was. In her drunken haze, she thought it was a good idea to strip the bed, bundling them into her arms and dumping them into the wash with a proud grin on her face. She fumbled pouring the detergent into the machine, but figured it was better to go with more than less of the thing. As she waited for it to finish its cycles, she sat next to her washing machine and dug her phone out of her pocket, rereading her chat with Yongsun. The woman deserved an answer at least. 

When that was done, Byulyi fell asleep, curled up next to the rumbling machine. That was how Yongsun found her the next morning. 

The rapper jerked awake when Yongsun prodded her in the shoulder, wincing when the headache hit. It took her a while to realise that it was, in fact, Yongsun that was in front of her. 

“I got your text.” Yongsun told her as she placed breakfast in front of a still groggy Byulyi. The rapper was struggling to keep her eyes open even after a shower. 

“What text?” Byulyi mumbled, trying to remember last night. “What did I say?”

“‘I’m sorry, but you’re really hot and I like you’, I think.” Yongsun waved her phone mockingly before putting it aside. “There were a lot of typos.” Byulyi groaned. 

“Never let me drink with Minju again.”

“Uh-huh.” 

Byulyi rolled her head out of the cocoon of her arms to peer at Yongsun. It was unfair to look that good in just a long-sleeved shirt, Byulyi thought.

“Sorry.” 

“I was worried when I woke up alone on the couch.” Yongsun winced as she turned her head. Byulyi pouted in sympathy at her pain. “What time did you get in?”

“Late.” Maybe 3am. Things were hazy after midnight. “I told you not to stay up for me.”

“It wasn’t for you.” It was very clearly a lie, but Byulyi didn’t push it either. “Now come on, let’s get you awake - we have an hour before we have to be at dance practice.”

“Sit with me?” Byulyi shifted minutely on the bench. The idea of Yongsun’s weight next to hers was comforting at the moment. “Just for a bit.”

Yongsun watched her for a moment, before sighing and putting on an arrogant air. “You're so clingy.”

“It's only because you're so irresistible.” And where Yongsun would normally hit her for the comment, she didn't. Instead, the leader’s eyes softened as she moved to plop herself next to her. Byulyi settled into her warmth immediately, the way daisies sought out the sun. 

(Nothing else was said that morning, but Byulyi carried the memory of the kisses they traded with her the rest of the day.)

Now this incident would have been uneventful, if not for the fact that Yongsun gave her lingering looks the whole day. She was a lot more touchy with Byulyi too, pressing up next to her, looping their hands around each other. And it was such a reversal of their usual roles that even Wheein commented on it. 

(Byulyi couldn't come up with an excuse for that one. So she'd just shrugged until Wheein dropped the issue.)

The last incident was probably the most damning. Friends spent time together, right? But they also didn’t spend all of it together, of course. Wheein and Hyejin often went days not speaking to each other during their breaks. Byulyi barely even bothered texting Minju even when she wasn’t busy. Yongsun would wander along the Han River without her phone on her when the mood struck her. 

So to say Byulyi was confused to get a text from Yongsun literally five seconds after they’d separated after spending the evening together was an understatement. 

_ (0125) _clown emoji_ _heart emoji_: i miss you _

Byulyi laughed. Tucking her phone back into her pocket and turning back around, she jogged the few steps that separated her from the leader standing in front of her apartment building, exactly where she’d left her five seconds ago. Yongsun was smiling, sheepish, coy. It was dark enough where she was standing that Byulyi felt brave to lean in to steal kisses from her lips. 

“You.” Kiss. “Are.” Kiss. “Ridiculous.” Yongsun was still smiling sheepishly up at her when Byulyi finally pulled away, and the rapper leant back on her heels and brushed their hands together. She didn’t take them though; didn’t twine their fingers together the way she wanted to. That was somehow even more dangerous as a photo, if only because Byulyi might forget to let go. “We were together for the past five hours.”

“Yeah, I know.” Yongsun took a deep breath and ducked her head. It was a warm night tonight, and Yongsun looked simply pretty in her sleeveless top and tight jeans. It drove Byulyi a little insane, how effortlessly beautiful the other woman was. “I just wanted to say it before I went.”

“We’ll see each other tomorrow.”

“But not like this,” Yongsun shrugged. “It’s different.” And Byulyi understood. Of course she did. When they were like this, they were just Yongsun and Byulyi. Not Solar and Moonbyul, not Byulyi - the rapper - or Yongsun - the leader. They were Yongsun and Byulyi, and they sometimes slept together, and the rest of the time they were friends. And as confusing as that was for Byulyi sometimes, it was the easiest thing in the world when they were together. 

“Let’s go to your place.” Byulyi lifted one shoulder. “Wanna catch up on that drama you’ve been watching?” Yongsun shook her head, and Byulyi frowned. “Late night tteokbokki? The place by the station should still be open.”

“I don’t feel like tteokbokki tonight.” 

“Wow, how much did you drink when I wasn’t looking?” Byulyi teased as she started to walk again. Yongsun fell into step easily. “You never say no to tteokbokki.”

“It doesn’t feel like that kind of night.”

“Alright then.” Byulyi let out a long breath. Stopped. “Wanna come with me while I walk Daebak-ie?” Yongsun’s eyes lit up, and Byulyi laughed. She made Yongsun wait while she rushed back up to her apartment, grabbing a bag and throwing some things in it before scooping up her dog and his leash. Yongsun was waiting patiently for her, watching the empty street while she hummed a song under her breath. She raised an eyebrow at the sight of her bag, but otherwise didn’t say anything. 

“He’s grown very big,” Yongsun commented as Byulyi set Daebak down and clipped his leash onto him. Her puppy was very well-behaved for a puppy - she knew Jjing-Jjing had been a hassle when he’d been Daebak’s age and size. Daebak didn’t even try to run. “You’ve been feeding him well.”

“He gets excited when I open the cupboard with the dog food.” Byulyi let him run ahead of them as they set off at a brisk pace. Normally Byulyi would take him on a tour of the block, but tonight Yongsun was with her, and Byulyi wanted to take the chance to show her a place. They chattered about her dog and other breeds, exchanged stories that dog owners often shared. Conversation was rarely difficult with Yongsun. The weirdness of her recent behaviour aside. 

Yongsun didn’t even seem to notice that Byulyi was bringing them somewhere until the park came up in front of them. “You walk him all the way here?” Yongsun turned her head around to take in the surroundings, the sheer amount of distance they’d traveled. It was a fifteen minute walk on a good day, but it had passed by like it had been only five. Byulyi grinned. 

“No, I just thought it would be a good place for an impromptu picnic.” She jerked her head towards the bench by the side of the playground, and crouched to unleash Daebak upon his surroundings. Yongsun waited until Byulyi straightened up again before taking a seat. “You good? Not cold or anything?”

“Byulyi, it’s summer,” Yongsun deadpanned. “Please don’t tell me you brought a blanket in there.” 

“No, I was just asking. So I would know how close to sit to you.” Byulyi pulled out her laptop from her bag, along with a container of fruits she’d meant to bring along with her to practice the next day. They were still chilled from the refrigerator. “And I was planning to share these with you, but if you don’t want them, then…”

“Now, let’s not be hasty.” Yongsun took the container from her with a smile, as Byulyi settled next to her, putting her laptop on her lap. “What are we watching?” 

“Nothing. You’ve just been singing songs all night.” Byulyi flashed her a grin. “We couldn’t go karaoke tonight, but I thought I’d bring it to you.” She pulled up a few songs without the vocals and flourished her arms. “After you, milady.” 

Yongsun laughed, but pressed play anyway. A familiar tune drifted from Byulyi’s speakers, making her smile, because Yongsun had been hooked on this song for weeks. 

She settled back as Yongsun sang - sometimes a verse, rarely the whole song. Her face was flushed as she got more and more into it. And of course, when BOA came on, she got up, dancing along. Byulyi was content to watch, joining in on harmony when Yongsun flicked her fingers in her direction. Daebak eventually trotted over, excited by the music and the energy of a grown woman dancing in a deserted park at nearly 2am in the morning. He began to bark as he ran around Yongsun, weaving between her ankles and running wide circles around her. Byulyi laughed as she pulled out her phone to record this, shushing her dog when he got too loud. 

Yongsun wasn’t just beautiful, Byulyi decided. She was enchanting, especially when she was singing. When she was happy. 

She didn’t realise she’d said this aloud until Yongsun suddenly stopped, gaping at her. Byulyi snapped her mouth shut while her cheeks burned. Whoops. 

“Sorry, I didn’t - sorry.” 

Yongsun was blushing too, clearly. Daebak stopped running, sitting by Yongsun’s feet and barking at Byulyi. The traitor. 

“Say it again.” Byulyi’s head jerked up, unsure if she’d heard correctly. “Please.” 

“You’re enchanting. When you’re happy.” Byulyi’s face was on fire. God, she was going to kill Minju for calling her a hopeless romantic. She’d completely jinxed Byulyi. “It’s embarrassing, I know. I’m sorry -”

“Yah, don’t try and take it back.” Yongsun snapped Byulyi out of her embarrassment with a smart slap to Byulyi’s shoulder. “Don’t you mean it?”

Byulyi gaped. “It’s not that I don’t mean it - it’s just embarrassing!”

“How is it any less embarrassing than me singing for you? In a park? At 2 am?” 

“I don’t know, but it definitely is!” If Byulyi hadn’t been so indignant over her embarrassment, she would have seen the way Yongsun’s face fell. “Why are you getting so mad?”

“Me? I’m not mad!” 

“Yes, you are - look, you’ve crossed your arms. That’s how I know you’re mad.”

“I’m not - ugh.” As if he could sense the tension, Daebak began to bark raucously. 

“Shut up, Daebak-ie,” Byulyi growled, all sharp edges at the moment. 

“Don’t talk to him like that.” Yongsun snapped. Byulyi glowered at her instead. “You know what? Forget it. You don’t get it.” And Yongsun actually started to walk away. Byulyi stared after her incredulously. What on earth just happened? 

Thankfully, Yongsun didn’t shake her off when Byulyi grabbed her wrist. “Yongsun, wait.” Yongsun didn’t look back - so Byulyi took a deep breath to help her calm down. “I’m sorry, I’m being an ass -”

“You’re always an ass.” Byulyi snapped her jaw shut so hard there was an audible click. Softening, Yongsun winced. “I meant that that’s not why I’m mad.” Byulyi was still too angry to speak, so Yongsun had to take the lead. “I just missed you, is all.” 

“Funny way of showing it.” Byulyi almost didn’t want to melt when Yongsun’s other hand brushed along her jaw. “And like I said before: we see each other all the time.”

“But not like  _ this _ .” They’re repeating the same words from earlier, but it’s an entirely new conversation, somehow. “I don’t want to be like this with Wheein and Hyejin. I don’t want to sing in a deserted park with them at 2 am, I don’t want them near us when I touch you like this. This is just for you and me.” A pause. Yongsun scrunched her face up in a sour expression. “I can’t believe I just said that.”

Byulyi managed a short chuckle. “Neither can I. Are you growing soft?”

“It’s all your fault.” Yongsun’s eyes gleamed in the dim light. All of her previous tension was gone - and Byulyi was pleased to find that the same applied to her as well. Fighting with Yongsun - really  _ fighting _ \- was hard. Byulyi hated it.

“Look, I’m sorry -” 

“No, I am.”

“For interrupting?” Byulyi hadn’t been allowed to finish a sentence in a while. Yongsun blushed at Byulyi’s raised eyebrow. “I’m sorry, that was mean.” 

They both laughed, the last of the tension gone. Byulyi reached up to take Yongsun’s hand, which had been resting in the hollow of Byulyi’s neck. She pressed a kiss to Yongsun’s palm, letting her lips linger there as she kept eye contact with Yongsun. The leader held her gaze, everything about her soft. 

“I meant it, you know.” Yongsun spoke quietly. “That I’ve missed us like this.” 

“Me too.” Byulyi’s words were thick. “About how enchanting you look when you’re happy.” Yongsun flushed again, and Byulyi had to giggle at the obvious struggle Yongsun was having over whether to hit her for her grease or not. “But you know I’m right here, right?” Byulyi gently tapped Yongsun’s elbow - an intimate touch. “I haven’t gone anywhere.”

“I know.” And there was something wistful in that tone. “You’ve always been here.”   
“So what’s really the matter?” Byulyi lowered her head to see Yongsun better. “Did someone say something to you?” Byulyi shook their joined hands together slightly. “Did I do something?”

“It’s stupid.” If Yongsun was embarrassed before, she was definitely more so now. “Don’t worry about it.” Byulyi pouted. 

“Come on, you can’t just kick up a fuss like that and then leave me hanging.” Yongsun turned away even more. Byulyi could feel herself beginning to sulk. “Yongsun…” 

“I just - tonight, do you remember the fan at the restaurant?” 

“The one that asked for my autograph?”

“I just… I don’t know. We were on a date, and you just switched ‘on’.” ‘Switched on’, as in her persona; ‘switched on’ as Moonbyul, and not Byulyi. Byulyi leant back on her heels. “It just made me think, is all. That I’m… sharing you.” 

Byulyi wanted to die. Yongsun was so adorable - she was actually jealous of their fan? 

“What are you talking about? I’m yours.” It was a little embarrassing to say it aloud, but it was true. “They can have Moonbyul - she’s a little irritating anyway.”

Yongsun laughed. Sobered. She wrapped her arms around Byulyi’s waist and pulled her close enough to rest her head against Byulyi’s chest. “I’m just scared, is all.”

“Well, you don’t have to be. You have me.” Byulyi rubbed her back in wide, soothing circles. “If anything, maybe  _ I _ have to be worried. Who knows what happened between you and Eric, huh?” 

(So Byulyi  _ still _ wasn’t over it.) 

Yongsun stilled, and Byulyi pulled away to give her a worried look. “I was just kidding. Are you okay?” 

“We’re just friends.” Yongsun wouldn’t meet her gaze. If they gave out awards for bad liars, Yongsun would definitely be in the running. “There’s nothing going on between us.”   
“I know that.” Byulyi was worried now, because Yongsun was doing that thing with her bottom lip she normally did when she was indecisive. “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“He kissed me. Or we kissed each other.” Byulyi’s face froze in the warm summer air. “It didn’t mean anything. It wasn’t meant to. We were just - we had to know.”

“Oh.” Yongsun had said before that they were free to see whoever they wanted to, but they never talked about it. Never so blatantly. “Okay.” 

“Byulyi.” Yongsun was hot to the touch, her light grip searing as she grabbed Byulyi’s hands, brought them to her chest. “Byulyi, listen to me.”

“It’s okay. I just thought - wow.” There were tears, and Byulyi felt silly because they were  _ friends _ . Friends who slept together and kissed a lot, but were nothing more. They’d made that clear, at least. 

Hadn’t they?

“ _ Byulyi, please. _ ” Yongsun thumped Byulyi’s chest with her fists. Byulyi had to stagger back - there was actual force in the blow. “I need you to  _ listen _ .”

“Okay.” Byulyi blinked rapidly, trying to clear her eyes. Trying to focus. “Okay, I’m listening.”

“It didn’t mean anything, okay?” The words were clumsy, thick, spoken in haste. “It really didn’t. He had feelings for me, but I’m with you, and he knew that -”

“He  _ knows _ ?”

“He  _ guessed _ .” Yongsun shook her head. “That’s not what’s important, Byulyi. The kiss didn’t mean anything. You have to understand that.”

“Okay.” It was a little surreal to finally be able to put the pieces together. The moments of distance, the heavy silences. Yongsun had been hard to put a finger on lately, and Byulyi hadn’t given it much thought, when maybe she should have. 

Yongsun was staring at her with a pleading expression. Byulyi could read distress, fear, unease. Byulyi could feel it herself. But it didn’t stop her from taking a step back, and then another and another, until the back of her knees hit the bench they’d been sitting on and she let herself fall onto it with a sigh. Daebak immediately circled to her, whining pitifully as he sensed his master’s mood. Byulyi sought comfort in soothing him instead. 

“Byulyi?” Yongsun didn’t follow, still stuck in the same spot. Byulyi rubbed at her face furiously as she tried to figure out her feelings. 

Her head told her she should believe Yongsun - that Yongsun was not a cheater, and even if she was, it wouldn’t mean anything because they didn’t mean anything to each other. 

But her heart was hurting, because that last clause certainly wasn’t true. They were  _ something _ to each other, even if neither wanted to define exactly what that thing was. To say otherwise was a lie. 

Minutes ticked by like hours, even as Byulyi raced to decide on something that she could live with. Yongsun’s admittance - and the desperate way she spoke to her now - had made her thoughts liquid. Byulyi felt like she was drowning. 

“Byulyi?” Yongsun called her voice softly once more, and Byulyi pretended not to hear her. She couldn’t help but hear Minju’s voice in her head, calling her a hopeless romantic that had too many feelings. Byulyi clenched her eyes shut. 

She heard Yongsun shuffle in the grass a moment later. Daebak let out a mournful bark. When Byulyi opened her eyes again, Yongsun was walking away once more, and Byulyi felt panic seize her chest. Propel her up and forwards.

“Where are you going?” Byulyi reached out, but couldn’t touch her just yet. “Don’t go, Yongsun.”

“I wasn’t going anywhere.” Yongsun pointed towards the swings. “I was going to give you space to think.”

“Right.” Byulyi felt drained all of a sudden, and she sat down on the bench again. “Gods, this night is exhausting.”

“I’m sorry.” Her voice was small. “I wasn’t going to tell you -”

“You weren’t?” That, somehow, hurt more than the admission before.

“Because it didn’t mean anything.” 

“You keep saying that.” Byulyi rubbed at her face again. “Is there anything else you’re not telling me?”

A pause. An attempt at levity. “I was the one who took your last granola bar?”

“I already knew that,” Byulyi chuckled breathily. She took a deep breath. “This sucks.” 

“What does?”

“This.” Everything. How had the night turned so wrong? “I don’t want to fight with you.”

“Then don’t. I’m not lying to you. I’m not hiding anything else.” Yongsun sounded pained. Like she matched Byulyi, feeling for feeling. Byulyi believed her. “Trust me.”

“I do. I believe you. But I don’t understand.” Byulyi rubbed her palms over the denim on her knee. “What are we doing, Yongsun-unnie?”

“I don’t know.” Yongsun took a step forward. “It wasn’t meant to be anything.” 

“I know the kiss with Eric wasn’t -”

“No, this thing with  _ you _ .” Yongsun swallowed hard as Byulyi gaped at her in shock. Quieter, she spoke again. “It wasn’t meant to be anything at all. But god, Byulyi. I love you.” And not in the way sisters were supposed to, not in the way two friends who were close to each other were supposed to. Byulyi knew that from her gaze. “I fell in love with you, and I know you feel the same.”

Silence. Time stretched again, minutes turning into hours, the tide of emotions threatening to take Byulyi away. They stared at each other in that park, both mindless of the fact that it was past two in the morning and that they both had schedules in the morning. Nothing else mattered besides what was between them. Right at that moment. 

“Say it again.” Byulyi clenched her hands involuntarily. “Please.”

“I love you.” Yongsun struggled to say it, and Byulyi could tell it had nothing to do with them or her, and everything to do with childhood trauma. “I don’t know when or how it started, but -”

“I love you too.” Byulyi figured that this - a confession in a dimly lit park, with little to no fanfare - was just like them. Every important moment in their relationship so far had been ambiguous and unobtrusive, charged with intent and nothing else. “God, I’ve loved you for a long time.”

“I know.” Yongsun rubbed at her eyes suddenly, her voice thick. “I’m sorry for taking so long.”

“Hey.” Byulyi reached out for her, pulled her into her arms. The thought of not touching her was unbearable at the moment. “Hey, it’s okay. We’re both here now, right?”

Yongsun laughed wetly, her breath humid against Byulyi’s shoulder. The rapper had to swallow back a sob of her own. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Byulyi hugged her fiercely. “I should have said something earlier.”

“Please,” Yongsun scoffed. “We both know you wouldn’t have made the first move.” Byulyi had to laugh at that. It felt anti-climatic, almost. To be standing there with Yongsun in her arms, with everything laid out between them, like this was how it was meant to turn out all along. In the movies, they’d kiss while the credits rolled to some awesome background music. But this was real life, and not some cheesy rom-com where everything worked out as planned. 

Except. 

“Hey, do you hear that?” Byulyi pulled back, looking around in alarm at the song that was currently playing. Was it someone’s ringtone?

Yongsun peered around her and began to laugh. Hard enough to send her bending at the waist, her hands clutching Byulyi’s shoulders almost painfully to keep her standing. Byulyi turned, and her scowl flipped itself the right way up. Daebak - her stupid dog - was perched innocently next to her abandoned laptop, one paw resting on the space bar. “You’re kidding me.”

Daebak just barked. 

(And they definitely weren’t some rom-com movie couple. Had no illusions that their relationship was far from perfect and that more things had to be said - and more importantly, heard.)

(But that didn’t stop Yongsun from tilting her head down, her fingers tangling in Byulyi’s hair, stroking her thumb over that spot on her nape that always had Byulyi gentling, melting.)

(And maybe they did kiss to some cheesy song - because of course her laptop would play some BOA right at this moment, and Byulyi will never be able to listen to this song ever again without recalling the smell and taste of Yongsun’s skin and mouth, the feel of her tongue as Yongsun kissed her thoroughly and told her everything she struggled to say with words.)

(And Byulyi still felt like drowning, but in a way that was entirely welcome.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my dad passed away earlier this week, and I wanted to write something to get away from it. This has been sitting in my computer for awhile so... no better time than the present, right?
> 
> Still not sure about the transition and flow tbh, but if it stayed unpublished for any longer it would always stay that way so.


	7. the determination

Outwardly, nothing had changed. They still bickered over who used up the toothpaste, still dragged each other out to do grocery shopping or just did it for each other, still spent too much time wrapped up in each other, whispering all the things Hyejin and Wheein deemed gross. But there was a new pressure that lingered on the edge of their time together. Neither put a name to it, but as time crawled ever faster towards festival season, they became more and more afraid that their time might be coming to an end.

They tried talking about it once, after a satisfying dinner from the place Byulyi liked. Daebak was curled up around Jjing Jjing in the corner, tired out from Byulyi and Yongsun’s constant cooing. On the television, some drama played, and Yongsun had been watching it intently, her head in Byulyi’s lap. She kept pointing out little things she noticed, explaining the plot over and over again even though Byulyi had followed it since the first episode because of her. The rapper was more than content to spend her time carding her fingers through the leader’s hair, enjoying the way her voice bent and lifted with emotion as she got angry at the villain’s plot. She’d never been one for dramas. She found a certain sort of irony in indulging in it when her own life made for pretty good fodder.

Yongsun obviously had no such qualms. She jabbed her finger at the screen as she tried to get Byulyi to understand her frustration. When Byulyi didn’t comply, she looked up and frowned.

“You’re not listening.”

“Sure I am,” the rapper rubbed Yongsun’s earlobe between her fingers soothingly. “The villain is threatening to expose the couple, isn’t he?” Yongsun huffed at being proven wrong, but sighed as she sank into the sensation of being doted on. “Why do you like dramas so much, anyway? You know they’re not real, right?”

“Of course they aren’t,” Yongsun’s eyes fluttered closed. “But they’re fun.”

“They’re predictable. Every single one you’ve watched so far follows the same formula.” Yongsun hummed challengingly. “I’m serious.” When Yongsun doesn’t even react to that one, she growled, getting passionate. “It’s literally boy meets girl, girl meets boy. They fall in love. They have a misunderstanding. They fight. They make up. The end.”

“This one isn’t like that,” Yongsun waved her hand carelessly, catching Byulyi lightly on the jaw. “This one has the mother finding out.”

“Well, they’re being pretty obvious. If the relationship was meant to be secret in any way, they weren’t acting like it.” When the words really registered, they both went still. _Well_.

“Well, sometimes hiding in plain sight is the best option, isn’t it?” Yongsun countered tentatively. Byulyi’s fingers had stopped carding through her hair.

“I suppose so,” Byulyi cleared her throat uncomfortably. “But having to hide at all… something seems dishonest about that.”

“You think everyone should know?” Yongsun asked sharply, her gaze heavy as she looked up at the rapper. Byulyi was shaking her head even before she was done. “Then?”

“I think they should tell the people who matter.” There was no way they were still talking about the drama. “At least their closest friends. So it’s not such a shock, you know?”

They were silent for a long moment after her words, with only the drama’s OST playing in the background. Byulyi thought about panicking - she really, really did - but decided against it. They needed to have this conversation. Like mature adults.

(Byulyi was getting a little tired of catching herself, of feeling two steps behind. She wanted to walk next to Yongsun like an equal.)

Yongsun watched her consideringly. Byulyi let her. As the silence stretched on, Byulyi rubbed at her wrist bone, retracting completely. She felt a fear creep through her veins. Had she messed it all up?

“No good?” She rarely used that voice - it was too naked and full of truth. Yongsun startled at it, sitting up as she took Byulyi’s hands in hers, unable to meet her gaze.

“I’m not ready for that, yet.” The leader’s fingers started tapping unconsciously against Byulyi’s palm, and the rapper shivered at the touch. It was calming in its own odd way. It gave her something to match her breathing to. “But I agree we should tell some people. Like Wheeinie and Hyejinie.” Byulyi could tell that this was hard for her to say - she could see the leader swallow obviously. When it was clear she was struggling to say more, Byulyi tugged on her hands insistently enough to pull her closer, tucking her into the crook of her neck. She tried not to let the feel of Yongsun’s breath against the sensitive skin derail her.

“They’re a good start.” She freed one of her hands so she could rub the leader’s back comfortingly. Yongsun nodded. Just enough for Byulyi to feel.

She smiled. This was not how she thought the night would go, but she was glad it did. They would do this right, she decided. Even if the thought of fessing up to their closest friends - their family, really - made her feel like throwing up.

As if she could sense her thoughts, Yongsun pressed a kiss to her neck. Byulyi calmed down immediately. It would be hard.

But at least she wouldn’t be alone.

\------

Saying it was easier then doing it, of course. Days went past and turned into weeks, which turned into months - and next thing they knew, they were on the cusp of their next comeback. And they still hadn’t talked to Wheein and Hyejin about it yet. It was a testament to how good they had become at schooling their affection with each other that no one even batted an eye anymore when they did things that were questionable

(Like Yongsun grabbing onto Byulyi’s arm when there was no reason to)

(Like Byulyi watching Yongsun through the monitors while the leader was filming, grinning wide because she couldn’t hold in her warmth for the other woman)

Instead, what it had become was a very frustrating game of hide and seek, of sorts. Each day, Byulyi tried to be more and more obvious. And each day Yongsun matched her action for action

(on her own terms, because Yongsun just wasn’t as expressive in that way as Byulyi was and that wasn’t going to change anytime soon).

And each day they waited. Waited for someone to say something. For someone to catch on and call them out, screaming and pointing and ending their careers.

But no one did.

“I don’t get it,” Yongsun grumbled, picking at her plate of fries. They were having lunch together in between their recording sessions for their solo songs. The owner of this restaurant knew them from their trainee days, and had never treated them differently once they got famous. Still gave them the stink eye when they made too much noise from their corner of the room. Still waved off their payment for certain things. Byulyi liked this place for its familiarity and safety. Unchanging, even though their professional lives were in a constant state of change. “Are they that oblivious?”

“I don’t know. It could be because that’s how we’ve always been.” Byulyi reached over to pluck a fry off Yongsun’s basket. “I’ve never been shy about flirting with you. Your reactions are way too funny.”

“Har har.” Yongsun scowled as she waved a fry through the air. “I need you to focus here, Moon Byulyi. I’ve committed to this idea, and now I’m frustrated that it might be for nothing.”

“You know there’s an easy fix for this right?” Byulyi sipped from her drink with her eyebrows raised, waiting for Yongsun to get the hint. She was disappointed when all she got was a blank stare. “We could just tell them. In plain black and white.”

It took a moment for Yongsun to react. But when she did, Byulyi wasn’t surprised. “What are you talking about? Why do we have to tell them?” A pause. “How would we tell them?”

“‘Hey Wheein-ie, Hyejin-ie, we have something to tell you. Yongsun and I are recreating the next season of ‘We Got Married’, except in real life.’”

“Byulyi!”

Byulyi laughed. “I’m just joking.” Truthfully, the entire conversation was making Byulyi’s heart race. It was all moving so perfectly at the moment - Yongsun was becoming more comfortable with showing affection in front of others all day, they’d been spending more time bickering and joking about things that long-term couples would. Stuff like speaking rhetorically about children and getting a separate dog bed for each other’s dog’s in their respective apartment. Commenting on the ridiculousness of paying rent in two places when they literally spent all their time together. As much as Byulyi wanted to be able to be open with her in public, she didn’t want to lose what they had right now.

Things were good. And if it ain’t broke…

But Byulyi knew that this was something that needed to happen if things were to progress any further. Already Yongsun was beginning to get more calls from her parents asking her about what men she was seeing, what times she was free to get set up on blind dates. Byulyi was only a year behind Yongsun, but the thought of losing Yongsun to convention hurt her more than she could bear. If Yongsun was serious about this, about them, then Byulyi needed to know. And this seemed like the first step.

She was brought out of her thoughts by a light touch to the back of her hand. Yongsun looked small across the table from her, so different from her onstage persona that Byulyi couldn’t help but smile softly at her. Yongsun matched it with a gentle one of her own, sheepish and unsure.

“I’m sorry,” she started, eyes darting around the slightly empty restaurant before leaning closer to Byulyi. “I’m just… scared.”

“I get it.” And Byulyi did. She still remembered the early days of learning those things about herself, how surreal everything had seemed. Something fundamental had changed about her understanding of herself, but nothing else had. Byulyi had walked around with a sense of weightlessness for years, wondering if someone could sense, could tell that she was a lesbian. If they had - very few had ever had reason to bring it up to her face. “It’s a little overwhelming, huh?”

“Try a lot.” Yongsun laughed a hollow laugh. “I don’t know how you do it.”

“Do what?”

Yongsun stared straight at her. “Be so… comfortable with it. With being who you are.”

Byulyi took another sip of her drink to stall for time. “Well, it didn’t happen for awhile. I’m sure Minju has a lot of lovely stories to tell you about me in my early twenties.”

“Is that when it happened?” Byulyi quirked a brow. “When you knew?”

“When I started to really deal with what it meant to be different, yeah.” Byulyi stole another fry from Yongsun. She was a little bummed the leader didn’t react to it. Sighing, she settled in to the conversation. “Suddenly boys weren’t an option anymore, and I didn’t know what was. The idea of a woman? You couldn’t have children. You couldn’t introduce them to your parents.” Byulyi tapped her fingers on the table absentmindedly. “Of course, that’s not true. At all. But it felt like the truth at the time. So I panicked.” It had not been a pretty time, upon reflection. Making bad decisions left and right - it had cost her her debut with the other company. She just hadn’t been interested in pursuing her professional career when her personal life felt like it was in shambles. “Took a lot of soul searching, let me tell you.”

“But how did you know?” Yongsun was rapt. Byulyi ducked her head under the attention. “How did you get over it?”

“Honestly?” Byulyi scratched the back of her neck, anxious for this retelling to be over. It always brought her anxiety back to think off those days. “I was watching a movie with some straight couple in it, and just thought: why can’t I have what they have? Why not?” Byulyi chuckled lightly. “I mean, it wasn’t such a big deal in the West anymore, you know? People could get married legally there. And it didn’t seem impossible anymore.”

They fell silent after that. Yongsun was obviously digesting the information, while Byulyi was content to have the attention off her like that. She focused instead on the people walking by on the street, and marveled at how far Yongsun and her had come. From nighttime conversations with double meanings and the weight of everything they couldn’t say - to these discussions in the light of day, in places familiar and constant from their past. Byulyi took a deep breath and tried to focus on the good things. There were a lot.

(Byulyi tried not to feel like everything was shifting beneath her feet.)

“Byulyi.” It was more the way Yongsun said her name that pulled her out of her thoughts than the fact she said it. The leader was watching her with an odd look on her face, one Byulyi had never seen before. She didn’t know what to think of it.

“Yeah?”

“I think I’m ready.” Byulyi blinked.

“Ready?”

“To tell them. I wasn’t really sure before but…” Here Yongsun trailed off, leaving Byulyi to stare at her. Yongsun managed a small smile. “I don’t know if I could do it so… boldly, but maybe we could talk to them about it.”

“Yeah?” Hope was a powerful thing. It could make someone want things they could never have. Crush their spirit when they didn’t get it in the end. But the way Yongsun was looking at her made Byulyi want to believe.

Believe in them.

“Yeah.” And to prove her point, Yongsun pulled out her phone. “We could do it tomorrow?”

Byulyi’s answer was a smile that pulled her cheeks up so hard, it hurt.

“Tomorrow it is.”

(And maybe it wasn’t just nerves that were upsetting her stomach anymore.)

(Maybe now it was nerves mixed in with a little bit of excitement and happiness.)

(And maybe a lot of hope.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all, I've been gone for a long time. I'm sorry ._.
> 
> If you're still around for this story, here's an update. I've been through a lot the past few months, so this is a short one, but I think I'm happy with this development. 
> 
> As always, let me know what you think. 
> 
> I love and appreciate each one of you who keep leaving comments, or have taken the time to read (and re-read) this. I'm not sure when I'll update next. But I hope you know that this is still on the back of my mind. 
> 
> Hope everyone's been having a good day :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short one. This chapter is dedicated to my father.

When Yongsun was a child, she wasn’t very close to her family at all. Her elder sister hit teenage years three years before she did, and the novelty of having a younger sibling didn’t last through the first day of middle school when Yongsun trailed behind her like a lost puppy. Yongsun was often isolated from her peers - the boys often teased her for her clumsy antics, while the girls didn’t like the attention she got from the other boys. Yongsun ended up spending a lot of her time buried in books. Books never betrayed her.

When she was twelve, her parents almost split up. Money was tight, relationships were strained, and Yongsun and her sister were caught in the middle. Yongsun turned to music then, singing softly to herself in her room to drown out the sounds of the fighting, the threats of leaving the family. Yongsun fell in love with RnB in this stage, the smooth sounds of the bass, the lyrics crooning about love and lost love and wanting things they couldn’t have. Yongsun used to hum under her breath all the time, memorizing the sounds of English in her ears, wishing they could fill her brain and stop the terrifying images of having to leave the house she had grown up in all her life, having to say goodbye to her sister who still wouldn’t acknowledge her some days.

Yongsun was lonely all throughout her high school years. Her parents stuck it through, but things weren’t the same anymore. There wasn’t the same amount of laughter, the same kind of brightness in their interactions. Yongsun read and sang and hummed, all the while wishing she could go out with her friends like other teenagers did without worrying about things like home and the ideas of home. There was a new sort of rhythm to her life that set her apart from her peers, and Yongsun sometimes wondered if there was something broken in her. If everyone felt feelings without an edge like she did. Yongsun watched and stayed apart and wished, and wished, and _wished_ that someone would tell her she was okay.

But no one ever did.

It wasn’t until she decided to pursue singing properly that she found any sort of happiness. A busker on the street stopped her once, urged her to join in, and Yongsun found herself full of joy in a way she hadn’t felt before. She kept at it, wanting to hold on to this feeling of _feeling_ . Of fullness and warmth that she still didn’t know how to keep in her body. Yongsun trained and sung and read, and through it all, wished, and wished, and _wished_ that someone would tell her how to be happy like this all the time.

But no one ever did.

Then Yongsun met Byulyi. And it wasn’t like Byulyi gave her all the answers - no. But Byulyi felt a lot like home and that everything might be okay someday and that happiness was within reach - and maybe that could be enough for Yongsun.

\- - - - - -

That night, Yongsun couldn’t sleep. Even though Byulyi was right next to her on the bed, Yongsun couldn’t help but feel alone. The rapper was asleep soundly for once, tired out from rehearsing and all the other preparations she was doing for their comeback. Yongsun couldn’t bear to wake her up this time.

What was keeping her up? It was a deadly mixture of fear and nerves. Each time Yongsun closed her eyes, she couldn’t help but picture Wheein and Hyejin’s faces twisted in disgust. Confusion. Anger. Every scenario Yongsun ran in her head about the lunch they’d scheduled the next day ended badly, and Yongsun couldn’t bear it.

She very much would have liked to pace, but she knew she’d wake Byulyi if she slipped out of bed. So instead, she picked up her phone, intending to stay up scrolling through social media or touching base with their fans - anything to keep her from staring up at the lights from outside dancing on the ceiling of Byulyi’s  bedroom.

It was late, she noted. Much too late for anyone to be awake. So she was surprised to suddenly get a text from her sister.

 

(03:42) yo lil sis

(03:43) y r u still up?

 

(03:43) why are you?

 

Her sister didn’t often text her - they tended to catch up nowadays via phone calls or actual face to face visits. Ever since Yongsun had moved out of her parent’s home, Kim Yonghee had made it a point to contact her more. Yongsun couldn’t really complain, because Yonghee was her _sister_.  

 

(03:43) finishing up some work

(03:44) r u still recording?????????

 

(03:44) can’t sleep

 

(03:46) wanna talk?

 

Yongsun stared at the invitation for a long moment. Did she really?

Yongsun wasn’t an idiot. She knew that coming out to Wheein and Hyejin wasn’t just one thing - it was the beginning of many things. Eventually she would have to come out to her family, but the thought filled her with so much fear, Yongsun had simply shoved it to the back of her head and refused to linger on it. It wasn’t fair, she childishly brooded sometimes. It wasn’t fair that being in love with a woman meant that she had to think about

(fear)

so many things.

Yonghee had a boyfriend she was going to marry the next year. Her sister had proclaimed this to her when Yongsun was twenty four. When she was thirty, her sister had said, she was going to allow her boyfriend to propose to her. She was going to focus on her career first, enjoy the unmarried life for as long as she could before settling down. Besides, her sister had said - her boyfriend loved his job as a travel writer too much to settle down at the moment as well.

(Their parents had thrown a fit about Yonghee wanting to remain unmarried for that long, but her sister had stubbornly refused.)

(Inwardly, Yongsun had been relieved, because then her parents couldn’t pressure her with the knowledge that she was well behind her sister in that department.)

“But unnie,” Yongsun remembered saying, curiosity getting the better of her. “What if he doesn’t want to wait?”

Yonghee had given her a long look then, her face lit by the last rays of sunset through the cafe windows. People often remarked on how similar their faces were, but Yongsun had never really been able to read her sister’s face the way she could her own. They sat differently on her lips, her cheeks, in her eyes.

(Byulyi often proved how easily she could read Yongsun. Once, Yongsun had asked her if she could do the same for Yonghee.)

(Byulyi had frowned and shook her head heavily. “You may look alike, but you guys are so different,” she’d said. Yongsun had shivered under that soft gaze. “I would never be able to understand anyone the way I understand you, I think.”)

“Then he doesn’t. I won’t make him.” There was something sad in the way Yonghee’s lips had turned down, and Yongsun had wondered if that was how it looked like on her. “Loving someone, Yongsunie, doesn’t mean you compromise your needs or wants for the other. It means you find a way to have all those things together with them.”

“But won’t you miss him? You guys have been together for a long time.” Five years. “I can’t believe you would drop him just because you want to focus on your career.”

“I don’t want to.” Yonghee’s eyes were hard, blazing. “I don’t want to lose him, but if I do - then I’ll be okay. I still have a life without him, Yongsun, and that’s what you have to understand. Love in real life - it’s not like the books. Sure, you can sacrifice a lot of things to be with them, but there are some things - your career, your friends, your family - that you can’t.” Yonghee had smirked then, but it wasn’t malicious in any way. “If the one you love can’t understand that, then you’re better off without them. Because who you are as a person existed before them, and that’s who they fell in love with. And if you give up everything that makes you _you_ just to have them, then -” Here, Yonghee had pause for a long time. “Then I don’t think that’s the right kind of love.”

Yongsun had pondered that conversation for a long time. Not understanding it the way her sister did. Love was such a strange concept for her. The way the books told it - Yongun had been prepared to give it all up. Had expected it even. To lose it all to some man who she would have been happy to do it for.

But maybe that’s why falling in love with Byulyi had taken her so long. Because Yongsun had never felt like she had to. Give anything up, she meant. Because Byulyi had never asked her to. And Yongsun hadn’t been sure that it had been the real, to-have-and-to-hold sort of love that her sister was talking about.

(But of course, Yongsun had been wrong.)

(She was wrong about a lot of things with Byulyi.)

Her sister picks up on the first ring, the slow sound of a song by D’Angelo playing in the background. So she _had_ been working, Yongsun realised, inching slowly off the bed in an attempt to keep Byulyi asleep. Yonghee’s voice in her ear grounded her as she stood, glancing back in relief when Byulyi continued to snore lightly under the blankets. Padding to the kitchen for some privacy, Yongsun sat on one of the stools by the island, swinging her legs beneath her.

“Hey there, little sis. Awfully early for you to be up, isn’t it? Or did you start promoting already? Did I miss that?”

“No, you didn’t.” Yongsun found herself enjoying the sound of her sister’s voice. “What are you listening to?”

“ _Untitled_. It’s very sexy.” There was a playful smile in her voice. “I’m glad you called. If I had to stare at this page of numbers for another moment, I would have to kill myself.”

“How dramatic,” Yongsun commented dryly. “I don’t think your clients would be very happy with that.”

“It wouldn’t be my problem then, would it?” Yongsun imagined her sister shifting in her seat, the window by her face open so she could smoke out of it. “But let’s not talk about me. How have you been?”

So much had happened since the last time they’d talked, but Yongsun gave her the easy answers: rehearsals were hard, recording was fun, thinking about promoting again gave her chills. Yonghee listened patiently, making noises of agreement at the right parts, and scoffing at all the right moments. Yongsun could almost lull herself into thinking this was going to be another casual catch-up session, but the sight of the clock in the living room mocked her with the late hour. Daebak and Jjing Jjing slept calmly in their own beds, their chests rising up and down. Yongsun found herself fixated on that sight as she talked.

“Sounds like business as per usual on your end.” A pause for her to inhale. “But that’s not keeping you up, is it?” Yongsun wondered if everyone could read her like an open book. “Wanna talk about that instead?”

Yongsun was about to brush it off and direct the conversation back to Yonghee instead - she swore she was. But all the anxiety she’d been bottling up inside of her seemed to push against her throat and stole her words. Yongsun was silent for a beat too long

(too long for her sister to miss).

“I knew it.” There was pride in Yonghee’s voice, tinged with worry. “Come on, Yongsunie. Tell your unnie.”

“Do you remember telling me about love, unnie?” The words came out without her control. Honestly, Yongsun had not meant to ask them. “About not giving up the things that are important to you?”

“Uh…” A beat. “I think so. Why?”

“I’ve been thinking.” Here, Yongsun paused. What was she doing? “What if your partner is asking you to do something you’re not sure you want to do? What if they _are_ sort of asking you to sacrifice maybe everything?”

A loaded silence. Then.

“Is someone threatening you, Yongsun?” Concern was clear in the hard edges of Yonghee’s voice, a smoldering sort of fury underlying her words. “Because I don’t care who it is, Yongsun, you can’t -”

“No, no, no - no one’s threatening me, unnie, I promise.” Touched by the sentiment, Yongsun found herself smiling despite herself. “I just… you’re thirty now, right? Will you let Sungpyo-oppa propose to you now?”

Yonghee chuckled. “Yah, you brat. Stop poking your nose in my business.” Her tone gentler now, Yongsun imagined her sister stretching out her legs, stubbing out her cigarette on the windowsill like she normally did. “But yes, I might. If he ever gets around to asking.”

Yongsun hummed at that. “What if he wanted you to move out of the country with you? Would you say yes to that?” That was closer to the question Yongsun really wanted to ask. If their parents’ almost divorce had made Yongsun retreat deeper into herself, then it had caused the opposite reaction in Yonghee. And Yongsun knew all those years pushing Yongsun away in school had been because Yonghee hadn’t wanted to be reminded of all the things she could stand to lose. Yongsun knew that now. “If he got a transfer and didn’t want to be here. Or if he actually wanted to settle down, or… or have kids somewhere else that forced you to stop working where you are now?”

“Then I would consider it.” The music Yonghee was listening to changed to something else. Something more upbeat and hopeful. It sounded familiar, but her sister turned it down before she could place it. “Yongsun-ah.”

“Yeah, unnie?”

“You know I said that for your benefit, right?” Yongsun blinked. “The waiting until I’m thirty thing. The ‘don’t compromise on your career’ thing?”

“What?”

“Omma and appa are so traditional.” Yonghee sounded tired now, despite the nonchalance she tried to keep up. “They still think that people should get married because that’s the thing to do - not because of ‘inane’ things like love and building a family because you’re ready for it.” Across the room, Jjing Jjing snorted. “I didn’t want that for you. Or me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Yongsun.” And maybe it was the way her voice sounded. Or the way she said her name. “I don’t want you to be forced to marry someone you don’t want to. To spend the rest of your life with someone just because ‘it’s the thing to do’.” Yonghee sighed. “Sungpyo and I - we’re practically married by now. It almost doesn’t matter that we don’t have the paper. I love him, and he loves me, and we’ve both given up things that _didn’t matter_ to be with each other. Because we love each other, and we know we want to be together no matter what.” There was a prompt in tone now. “Does that answer your question?”

“... yeah.” Because Yongsun was beginning to get it. “You’re not giving anything up. Not really.”

“Yeah.” They both fell into a silence, the kind that was born of understanding in late night conversations. Yonghee hummed a little into the phone.

“You know, the first time I heard you sing this song, I was taken aback by your singing.”

“What do you mean? What song?”

“Yah, you don’t even recognise your own song?” Yonghee was teasing as she increased the volume. And Yongsun finally placed it.

“ _My Hometown_?”

“I liked it a lot.” Yongsun imagined her sister lighting another cigarette, breathing out a plume of smoke that lingered in the air between them. “You sound so wistful here.”

“... I don’t get it.”

Yonghee laughed, the sound warm in her ear. “Maybe it’s the way it’s been mixed or something but - you sound like you’re longing for something. Maybe it’s something familiar or… well, I’m not the artsy one or anything. But you sounded like you were excited to be home.” Yongsun stayed silent as her sister continued. “We both haven’t had the easiest time with our family, huh, Yongsunie? But you managed to find the good in it and you sound like you’ve clung to it nonetheless. And I was happy to hear that from you.”

Yongsun swallowed hard. “I don’t think I was unhappy.”

“Oh yeah, neither was I.” Yonghee clucked her tongue. “But just because you weren’t unhappy, didn’t mean you were happy, Yongun-ah. You know this.” And Yongsun did, because her entire life, she’d been living in grey areas that were cloudy even to herself. Sadness came in different shades. Never in one big wave of hard emotion. “So I was happy that it wasn’t all that bad for you.”

Yongsun gazed across the room to the dogs again, curled up in contentment and doggy dreams. Daebak and Jjing Jjing had their beds pushed together, side by side. And she couldn’t help but feel young again, trailing after her sister the way she always did.

“Unnie,” she started, feeling vulnerable but safe in the dark. “Do you think I’m happy now?”

“I think -” And this time Yongsun didn’t have to imagine her sister’s smile, familiar in its own way on lips that looked almost like her own. “That whoever is making you ask these questions, Yongsun, is making you happy enough to begin to recognise it.”

Yongsun’s eyes began to water. “Yah, unnie. You’re making me cry.”

“Good. You deserve it.” Yonghee’s exhale was audible over the phone. “Now do you want to tell me about them?”

“... I don’t think I can.” And Yongsun couldn’t. The words were still hard, no matter how helpful this conversation had been. “Yet.”

“That’s alright.” Yonghee turned up the song a bit more. “You’ll get around to it eventually. Right?”

“Yeah.” Yongsun sniffled.

“Don’t be a crybaby.” There was nothing but fondness in her tone now. “We Kim sisters have to be strong, you know?”

“Right.” It was a wet sound, the laugh, but Yongsun managed it nonetheless. Yonghee sounded proud of it.

“But hey,” Yonghee whispered, making Yongsun wipe at her tears. “Whenever you want to talk about it, you have me, alright? I got your back, lil sis. And fuck what everyone else says. Even omma and appa.”

And it was such a relief to hear that, to _know_ that, that Yongsun could only manage a breathy “Okay,” in response. And Yonghee sounded proud of it, of Yongsun, of herself. Yongsun could feel it.

The words ‘I love you’ were on her lips, but her sister beat her to it. “Now get yourself to bed, you crybaby. You need all the beauty rest you can get.”

“Shut up.” Laughter was easier now. As was the smile. Nothing had changed, not really, even though a few things had. Yonghee was still her sister, and Yongsun would always look up to her for guidance. And Yonghee would always be there to give it.

As they said their goodbyes and goodnights, Yongsun found herself drifting back to the doorway of the bedroom to stare at Byulyi. She knew it had taken them a long time to get to where they were now, and that it was largely her fault. Byulyi - kind, patient, generous Byulyi - deserved better, she decided. And the moment of bravery that Yongsun had summoned up earlier that day when she shot off the invitation to lunch to their two closest friends couldn’t be forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've just been struggling so much the past few months that to know that there are people who are still reading this fic means so much to me. I can't deny that some of your comments have honestly brought tears to my eyes. All I've ever wanted from my writing is for it to resonate with people. And to think that I've managed to do some of that with this just leaves me so overwhelmed. 
> 
> Contrary to everything, I'm not actually the best with words, so I'll just say: thank you. For sticking with this fic. It feels like you're sticking by me, and that feeling is so precious, I don't think there are any proper words to really convey how much. 
> 
> I hope you're happy with this chapter as well.


	9. the reveal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, finally an update! As usual, un-beta'd and unedited. Feedback always welcome. 
> 
> More author's notes at the end!

She’d been startled the first time someone said it.

“It must be hard,” Minju had said, idly watching Byulyi tie her shoes on. She’d come over for dinner at Byulyi’s place, been right at home with her smile and her good natured personality, eating the kimchi Byulyi’s mom had made, laughing at the jokes Byulyi’s dad had made them all suffer through. Minju’s family was quiet and private and in all the years Byulyi had known her, she’d only heard her friend mention them maybe twice.

All in all, it had been a nice night, so Byulyi was caught off-guard by the comment. Frowning as she stood, Byulyi yelled back into the house that she’d return after walking Minju to the bus stop as her mom had insisted she do. “What do you mean?” she asked as she fell in step with her best friend. Their breaths had puffed into the air as they walked, smoky tendrils that hung long enough for Byulyi to look at before disappearing.

“Hiding from them,” Minju shrugged as she kept her eyes on the road ahead of them. “It must be hard.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Byulyi blinked as she shivered in her coat. “I’m not hiding anything.”

“Your sexuality, you idiot.” Minju sounded disappointed for some reason, and this time Byulyi’s shiver wasn’t because of the cold. “They don’t know, do they?”

A pause as Byulyi’s mind raced to catch up. “No, of course not.” It had never occurred to her to come out to them before.

(Uncertainty and convention kept her quiet.)

“I mean,” she began, tasting the words out herself as she spoke them for the first time. “It’s not like it’s… I mean, I just figured it out myself, and I don’t -”

“You told me like, two years ago, Byulyi.” There it was again, that sharp tongue. “Don’t you try pulling that one on me.” She still wasn’t looking at Byulyi. It made Byulyi’s heart clench.

“Well, what do you want me to do?” She’d just turned twenty-three, there were talks of a debut happening at some point - Byulyi was in no position to be thinking of these things. “I can’t just come out to them.”

“Why not?” Minju stopped, her hands fisting and unfurling by her sides. “Your family is so lovely - your sisters look at you like - fuck.” Byulyi had stopped too, staring as Minju pressed her palms against her eyes. “You hiding this from them -”

“I’m not _hiding_ anything.” ‘Hiding’ felt like the wrong word.

( _Hiding_ implied a choice.)

(Byulyi didn’t feel like she had one, not really.)

“I can’t come out to them, Minju.” They were alone on this street - just her and Minju, standing under the feeble light of a dying streetlight. It was late enough that the night sounds were loud, louder still in the absence of cars and other noises of the city. “They wouldn’t accept it.”

“I know. I know.” Minju’s lips twisted as she glanced away, and then back. Her eyes were bright even in the dark. “But doesn’t it kill you inside?”

“Some days.” Byulyi thinks of the rare mornings she spends home now, sleepily eating the breakfast her mother makes her, enjoying the sounds of her family bickering even at nine in the morning. She thinks of Sunday evenings growing up gathered around the television, everyone watching a movie and her parents’ inability to not give a running commentary as it ran, pointing out flaws and _she could have done better_ s. She longs for the easy simplicity of going running with her sisters in the afternoons, stopping to say hello to dogs and talking about their days, their problems, their lives. Byulyi sometimes forgets how much of her life’s rhythms revolved around her family, even now -

(Even though she goes home at the end of most days to the rooftop apartment she shares with the other girls in the city.)

(Even though she trains and trains and trains so much she feels the phantom pain of aches and sore muscles when she stands still.)

(Even though she dreams of a future where she is onstage and performing, and takes steps everyday to make it come true.)

“But I don’t dwell on it.” Byulyi thinks of her family and feels love swell in her, not tender like a conscious thing - rather, like a solid unbreakable truth. “My life is just going to get even more complicated from now on. It hardly seems fair to have _that_ hanging over my head on top of everything else.”

Minju snorted at that, turning away to continue walking. The bus stop isn’t far enough away now, and Byulyi fears that the conversation will end too soon. “I don’t think about it because,” she struggles to explain, not wanting Minju to misunderstand. In her own way, she gets where Minju is coming from. Her family is open, is kind and loving and unafraid to show love even though it sometimes comes in the form of a stern word or a misguided attempt at understanding. Very much the opposite to how Minju grew up. “I don’t want things to change.” Minju’s steps slow at that, and Byulyi feels settled enough to go on. “Right now, I… right now I know they love me. And we’re good. So I think about that and I try to cherish it for what it is. Instead of thinking about what could be.”

(In an ideal world, her family knows everything.)

(In an ideal world, Byulyi’s life didn’t seem to steer her toward having to juggle between her private her public personas.)

(In an ideal world, Byulyi wouldn’t be gay at all.)

“Okay.” Minju nods, looking like she doesn’t want to understand even though she does. “I get that.”

“Okay.” Byulyi doesn’t quite feel relieved as they see the bus stop come ever closer. Her heart races, her thoughts spilling. The words roll off her tongue like marbles, clacking against her teeth and falling to the ground between them. “I just… maybe one day. When I meet someone that I really like. Maybe then I’ll tell them.”

Minju stopped again, so Byulyi did too. Her best friend looks at her, her gaze appraising. Byulyi stares back, willing her to understand. To not judge her.

(She doesn’t think she could bear it.)

“Okay.” Minju doesn’t say anything else, only nods, but Byulyi feels like she can breathe again. In the dark, she reaches out for Minju’s hand, and her friend doesn’t hesitate to take it. They walk the rest of the way like that, the silence between them meaningful but not uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry,” Minju whispers as they hug, Minju’s bus coming up to the stop ten minutes later. Byulyi squeezes her tight as she shakes her head. Her friend had nothing to be sorry for - it had come from a good place.

Someday, Byulyi would have to come out. Even though the idea seemed ridiculous to even entertain, she would have to at least be honest about the fact that she had found her own person to love. And that person would obviously be a woman.

(The thought kept her up at night, leaving her unsettled enough to leave her bed and sit in the living room, flipping through late-night channels with programmes no one ever watched.)

(Byulyi’s heart would thrum under her skin, like a livewire that couldn’t be touched.)

(Her mother would always find her there in the morning, slumped against the arms of the sofa uncomfortably, a crick in her neck later.)

(Byulyi would wake to the clucking of her tongue, and the feel of a soft blanket over her body.)

(It’s on those days that Byulyi feels warmer than ever.)

(But also the most terrified.)

(How could anyone willingly let this sort of peace go?)

\- - - - -

The first time the thought strikes her, Byulyi almost drools on herself in shock. They’re eating out for once as a family, a lovely dinner meant to celebrate her parent’s wedding anniversary. The five of them were sat in a booth in the corner, a lovely Italian meal spread out on the table in front of them. They’re teasing Seulgi about something or other - maybe a comment she’d made about her part time job hunting, or maybe a dig about the boy that keeps walking her home after long study sessions at the library. Byulyi had been quiet, mostly, just watching because her anxiety had reared its ugly head sometime between leaving the car and realising just how full the restaurant was tonight.

(Just the week before, Mamamoo had had their first ever fansign -)

(Byulyi was still trying to wrap her head around how many people had been in the auditorium that day.)

“Okay, you don’t need to know every single detail, omma.” Seulgi sounded annoyed, but not enough for them to stop. Her family does this all the time - this push and pull that borders on bullying, but never far enough for it to actually hurt. The Moon family was made up of strong women, her father liked to boast, usually punctuating the words with a strong clap to the back of whichever family member was closest to him. He always needed to be on his toes around them, and that was exactly how he liked it.

(Growing up decidedly working class and with a mother that was good at handling the family finances had taught him a lot about respecting women.)

(Byulyi’s mother swore that comment was one of the most mature things he had ever said in his life.)

“But we do, dear.” Her omma had this smile that was a little too sharp sometimes, much too full of the delight she took in teasing someone. “I’m your mom - we always know what you’re hiding. Especially when you don’t want us to.”

“Right.” Seulgi rolled her eyes as she stabbed at some calamari. It carried enough bite in it that her mother narrowed her eyes.

“Are you telling me that I don’t know my daughters well? I know everything, dear. You might as well give up and tell the truth now.”

“Byulyi-unnie,” Seulgi groaned, grabbing Byulyi’s attention. “Can you tell omma to mind her own business?”

“Omma, Seulgi is entitled to her secrets.” It was the standard answer, the one that she knew would only serve to turn the attention to her instead. She was used to defending her siblings. It was her job as the older sister, after all. “Besides, she’s right. It’s not like you know everything about us.”

Her father jumped in then, his amusement clear in his every word. “Oh, now you’ve gone and done it. Your mother’s gearing up for a proper argument now.”

“Shush, appa.” Her mother hits him lightly on the arm, no force behind it at all. “I promise you, I know everything about you girls. Mother knows best, after all.” Her eyes bore into Byulyi’s challengingly, and damn her because she _knows_ how competitive Byulyi is. And  suddenly all Byulyi can feel is _it_ pressing against her lips, this urge to just tell her that she knew nothing, because she certainly didn’t know that last week Byulyi had pressed some random in a club against the wall and kissed her, softly and sweetly enough for it to tingle on her lips even hours after. That she’d lost her virginity a year ago to a much older woman who had made it clear to her that it was a one-time thing, and she wasn’t asking for names or ages or a second encounter. That Byulyi often woke up twisted in her sheets, hearing Wheein snoring lightly on the floor next to her, shame filling her body when she goes to the toilet and sees how wet she is because she’d dreamt of a soft body and long hair pressing against hers.

There is so much her mother does not know about her, and some days, it feels like her sexuality is just the tip of it.

“Sure, omma.” Byulyi remembers to catch herself just before they come out, aware of how long she’d zoned out for, trying to keep the horror of what had nearly happened from her face. “You win.”

And for a fleeting moment, Byulyi thinks her mother will press the issue -

(because her mother was right about one thing, at least: her lie detector is solid, and Byulyi really doesn’t want to test it again tonight)

but Yeseol lets out a cry of dismay as she spills some spaghetti on herself, her cheeks already colouring with red. And everyone begins to fuss over her, leaving Byulyi safe -

(for now, for now, _for now_ )

To stare into her food and wonder at how easily it had almost slipped out. At how easy it had been to _want_.

(Byulyi doesn’t slip up like that again.)

(Doesn’t open herself up to even the mere possibility of it.)

(She just gets better at deflecting, at joking.)

(Byulyi begins to forget what it’s like to tell the truth, straight, anymore.)

\- - - - -

So Byulyi gets it when she sees the fear dance in Yongsun’s eyes that night when they broach the topic the first time. When they both begin to stop pretending that this thing between them could _stay_ between them forever. That night, bathed in the light of a much too painful heteronormative drama, Byulyi’s heart had been rabbiting inside her own chest at the thought of telling their friends.

( _Friends_.)

(Wheein and Hyejin were more than that, now.)

But it was precisely because Byulyi knew she was in love with Yongsun, and that Yongsun was in love with _her_ that she wanted to do this at all. That she wanted to try, and see if that impossible fantasy of acceptance was too far out of her reach at all.

(She thinks of how Wheein watches them sometimes, her intelligence shining in her gaze as she sees Byulyi and Yongsun touch, talk, flirt.)

(She thinks of Hyejin’s easy-going nature and her insistence that things would always work themselves out as long as the four of them had each other.)

(She thinks of how it would feel like to kiss Yongsun in front of them, at the end of a long, sweaty practice when everyone just wanted to go home.)

(She thinks of all the ways Hyejin and Wheein could tease them and support them as Byulyi and Yongsun try to find their own ways, their own words to explain what form this love took for them.)

Byulyi thinks they’ll understand. She hopes they do.

(The night before they tell them, Byulyi wakes up feeling like she hadn’t rested at all.)

\- - - - -

Wheein was running late. Hyejin sighed as she perused the menu yet another time, even though she’d already decided what she wanted a while back. Opposite her, Byulyi watched her - and Hyejin couldn’t help but shake off the feeling that it was something more than casual. Yongsun had excused herself to go to the washroom earlier, and still wasn’t back.

“Stop staring at me.”

“I’m not.”

“If that’s not what you call a stare, I’m worried about how many people think you’re perving on them.”

“I’m not checking you out either, Hyejin.” The maknae raised an eyebrow slowly, keeping her gaze on the menu. Byulyi looked tempted to roll her eyes. “Wheein isn’t replying.”

“She’s probably just finishing up recording.” Her best friend wasn’t exactly the best at keeping time. Last Hyejin knew of her, Wheein was about to record a demo she wanted to pitch the company for their next album. That had been three hours ago. “She knows where to find us.” Hyejin pondered over getting the chicken dish or some noodles. “Do you know what you’re getting, unnie?”

“A stiff drink, apparently.” The rapper looked almost miserable when Hyejin looked up at her. Byulyi managed a wry smile. “Sorry, ignore me.”

“You’re in a mood.”

“It’s not you.” Byulyi scratched at her wrist, a telltale sign that she was nervous about something. People often underestimated how perceptive Hyejin was - as reckless as she portrayed herself to be, Hyejin always made it a point to pay attention. Can’t break the rules if you didn’t know what they were, right?

“If it’s making you this anxious, I’m not exactly looking forward to it. Whatever it is you wanted to talk about, that is.” Hyejin set aside her distraction, propping her chin on her hand. “What’s all this about?”

Byulyi shook her head. “Let’s wait for Yongsun-unnie.” So they weren’t fighting, which had been Hyejin’s first guess. “Do you know what you’re going to order?”

“The noodles.” Hyejin blinked slowly, studying her unnie. “Unnie. Look at me.” The rapper stilled, meeting her gaze. Hyejin cocked her head. “You’re scared.”

It had been a random guess, just to gauge her reaction. Hyejin hadn’t been sure. If she’d been wrong, Byulyi would have done something like roll her eyes or called her ridiculous. Instead, the rapper looked away, her hand reaching for her neck - but stopping halfway, quivering near her chest. It dropped back onto the table, where it tapped itself once, before plucking up her phone and twirling it. Round and round. That’s how Hyejin knew she’d hit it on the head.

Sometimes she hated how easy it was to read her members. Took all the fun out of the guessing.

“What’s going on?”

“We’ll tell you, I promise.” Byulyi flashed Hyejin a smile as Yongsun walked up to them, having returned from the washroom. The leader was wiping her hands on a piece of tissue, the movements more absent-minded than anything. Her eyes were far away, which didn’t help Hyejin’s unease.

She debated probing more. Instead, she picked up her phone and tried to catch Wheein again, biting at her nails thoughtfully as Yongsun sat down across from her.

 

(18:03) mayday mayday

(18:03) unnies are acting superrrrr weird

(18:03) where are you????

 

She was pleased to see that Wheein was finally online.

 

(18:04) just finished talking to CEO-nim

(18:04) I need a drink

(18:04) you always need a drink

(18:05) the usual?

 

Hyejin snorted as she gestured with her phone. “Wheein’s coming.” She pretended to miss the meaningful glance Byulyi shot Yongsun. “Want to order first?”

They call the waiter over, and order their first round of drinks along with their food. This did nothing but pause their awkwardness for a moment more. Hyejin plucked her chopsticks out of the holder and began to clack them together obnoxiously. She was getting annoyed.

“Anyone want to explain the awkwardness right now?” Yongsun shook herself slightly.

“What?”

“This. What’s going on?” People used to tell her all the time that she would get into trouble with her mouth. She obviously didn’t believe in mincing her words – if there was a problem, Hyejin would tackle it head first. “Both of you are acting like you’re about to tell me you’re pregnant.”

A silence followed, making Hyejin’s eyes widen. “Are you fucking kidding me? I knew you guys were sleeping with people, but –“

“We’re not pregnant, Hyejin!” Yongsun hissed, panic clear in her eyes. They darted around, making sure no one could hear them because they had been recognised the minute the entered. “And keep your voice down.”

“Then what?” Hyejin challenged sullenly. “You guys are making me feel uncomfortable with all your fidgeting.”

Byulyi sighed and rubbed at the back of her head with fast, rough movements. “Can we please just wait for Wheein?”

“Fine.” Hyejin tapped furiously on her screen once more, telling Wheein to hurry up. “But I don’t get why you guys suddenly called for a dinner only to make it awkward like this. It’s rude.” They hadn’t had much time to spend together outside of work recently, and as much as she needed a break from her friends, Hyejin couldn’t deny she missed the easy conversations and banter that happened when they were together after a long day of rehearsing and training. “Wheein’s going to be tired too.”

Yongsun looked ready to say something, when Byulyi stopped her with a hand on her thigh. “Sorry, Hyejinie. You’ll understand in a bit.” Hyejin felt tempted to scowl at her unnie, but the pleading look Byulyi gave her made her take a deep breath. Hyejin knew she was maybe overreacting a little bit. But she had a feeling she knew exactly what they were going to tell her.

It was inevitable, really, when she thought about it. They were all getting older, no matter how young their careers were. Hyejin had noticed the two of them grabbing at each other more and more often recently, looking for all the world like there was some timer that was counting down to an end Hyejin couldn’t even begin to understand. She knew Yongsun was beginning to wear down from requests from her mom to go on blind dates. She noticed Byulyi talking more and more about her plans to move away with the one she loved.

They were leaving. Or thinking of it. Hyejin wasn’t stupid, no matter how much she liked playing pretend. Being an idol was a young person’s dream, she’d realised early on. Looking at groups like SHINEE and SNSD, who were now in their 30s or near it – Hyejin couldn’t help but feel like they looked a little pathetic. These were fully grown, mature men and women who were still being styled like they were in their early 20s, singing songs about young love and the energy of being young. Unlike independent musicians and artists, idols were never allowed to grow old. And Hyejin knew that kind of life would chafe on her unnies before too long.

The thoughts made her brood, knowing it made her childish but not caring anyway. She had purposely not given it much thought. It was hard to imagine a future where Mamamoo wasn’t together anymore. Where she wouldn’t be onstage harmonizing with Yongsun or Wheein, watching Byulyi take over the stage with her raps. Hyejin hated the idea of it. Absolutely hated it.

(If that made her a child, she didn’t care.)

(Idols weren’t allowed to grow old, right?)

Wheein arriving served as a good break to the tension. She was already ranting about needing to relax as she shucked off her coat, pulling her beanie off her head and carelessly dropping it on Hyejin’s instead, ignoring the scowl her best friend gave her. Byulyi greeted her warmly, while Yongsun offered a smile that looked like it was made of glass. Hyejin began inspecting her nails just to give herself something to do.

“You alright?” Wheein whispered into her ear as she sat, giving Hyejin a look that clearly said that she knew something was going on. Hyejin shrugged. Wheein didn’t miss her meaningful glance at their unnies, no doubt reminding her of Hyejin’s text earlier. Wrapping her hands together on the table, Wheein stared at her unnies.

“So,” she started, accepting her drink from the waiter who had come back round. “Hyejin told me you’re acting weird.”

“Can we… can we wait for the food first?” It was Yongsun this time, her eyes still darting around the restaurant. “I’m not feeling very well.”

Hyejin raised her eyebrows as if to say ‘see?’, but Wheein was already way ahead of her. Smiling a little, she reached out to comfort her unnie as she winked. “No need to spoil food, am I right?” Yongsun nodded jerkily, grasping Wheein’s hand tightly. No one mentioned that either.

The food arrived in due course, giving them all something to focus on besides the tension that was steadily brewing above them. Everything seemed more muted, for once - Byulyi wasn’t cracking jokes, Yongsun wasn’t being loud, Wheein was watchful as she tried to understand, and Hyejin was brooding while trying not to let it show. The food was almost tasteless on her tongue, tainted with the knowledge of the hard conversation to come. Hyejin hated it.

“Okay.” It was Yongsun that finally cracked, setting aside her chopsticks decisively. “I can’t do this anymore.” Hyejin looked up at her, relieved that she actually said something.

Byulyi, on the other hand, looked stricken. “Yongsun-unnie?”

“I can’t.” Yongsun was shaking her head, her hands shaking as she run them through her hair. “I can’t.” Wheein swallowed her mouthful, her gaze darting between an increasingly distraught looking Byulyi and this new, anxious Yongsun.

“Can’t do what, unnie?” Hyejin asks, wanting her to spit it out already. She’d thought up of reasons

(so many reasons)

as to why they couldn’t leave just yet, couldn’t abandon their dreams like this. They could all stay together, somehow. Another year. Another comeback.

When Yongsun can’t seem to find her words, Byulyi’s face crumbled completely. “I get it,” she says, curling into herself as she makes to stand and sounding so desolate that Hyejin’s concern spikes. So it wasn’t them _both_ leaving?

“Where are you going? I can’t do this without you.” Yongsun’s voice pitches at the end, so worryingly that Wheein and Hyejin exchange a glance. And when Byulyi’s gaze switches between looking at Yongsun to looking at their maknaes across the table, Hyejin begins to understand that something else was wrong.

(That _she_ might be wrong.)

“I thought you meant you couldn’t…” Yongsun’s eyes widened. “That’s not what you meant?”

“Of course not!” Her face was getting red now, a sure sign she was beginning to get overwhelmed. “I won’t - I told you we would tell them, and I’m not - I just couldn’t wait anymore!”

“Oh.” Byulyi looked stunned as she sat again, and idly Hyejin decided it was an unattractive look for her.

(She was used to Byulyi looking sure of herself.)

(The rapper was second behind Wheein in letting her guard down the least.)

(She supposed it had something to do with the ‘older sister’ mantle she seemed to wear everywhere.)

“Yeah, oh! I can’t believe you thought I would back out of this!” Yongsun struck their rapper in the arm, causing her to flinch. “How dare you!”

“You’ve been acting nervous all night! I couldn’t - it’s not an easy thing to do, I know that firsthand, that’s why -”

“So you’re saying you didn’t trust me? What do you take me for, a coward? You’re not the only brave one -”

“Guys!” Hyejin grabs their attention with that one word, aware of the attention they were beginning to receive. “Cut the lover’s quarrel for a second and focus.” She snaps her fingers a few times to make sure they’re listening. “What were you going to tell us?”

Embarrassment floods both their features as they looked around and saw curious eyes on them. Deflating, they both stared at their maknaes in silence, neither seeming to want to make the first move now. Hyejin rolled her eyes.

“Look, I get it,” she says, stabbing at her food with her chopsticks angrily. “You’re getting older, it’s something inevitable you’re going to have to consider. I just wish you guys had the balls to just come up and say it.” She hopes her glare is strong enough to make them wilt. “You know us. Wheein and I aren’t going to judge you for it.”

“You know?” Yongsun’s terrified whisper cuts across the table. Hyejin snorted as Wheein stiffened by her side. “How -?”

“It’s been pretty obvious, unnie.” Wheein rubs at her temples the way she always does when she’s tired. Her tone was so apologetic Hyejin wanted to cry. “You guys aren’t exactly good at hiding it.”

“How long?” Byulyi’s mouth hung open, shock clear. Wheein and Hyejin both shrugged.

“Long enough,” Hyejin finally said, the words bitter. The silence between them hung precariously at this statement. “In fact, it’s almost insulting you thought we didn’t know.”

“I mean, it’s hard for us to swallow, especially because we - I mean, I always thought - that we would have more time, you know?” Wheein leaned back in her chair, her words heavy. “Things are going so well for us now. Awards left and right. We have so many fans. I couldn’t understand why you would want to ruin that. And for what?” Wheein rubbed at her eyes. “I trusted you guys to have my back. It kinda feels a bit like a betrayal.”

“A betrayal?” Yongsun sounded so hurt, Hyejin didn’t dare to look up. “That’s what you think this is?”

“It wasn’t easy for us to decide to tell you guys this.” Byulyi sounded angry instead, and that made Hyejin cower even more. “I can’t believe you would throw it in our faces like this.”

“Clearly you guys were only thinking of yourselves.” Hyejin sighed as she closed her eyes, feeling so defeated she wanted to cry. “We thought we were family.”

“But we _are_ a family, Hyejin,” Yongsun pleaded, reaching out to touch. “Please don’t hate us for this.”

“That’s the worst part, unnie.” Hyejin bit her bottom lip at the quaver in her voice. “I can’t. I know I’m being childish, I know you have your own lives to lead. And someday you want to get married to someone and somehow we always thought that day would be much further along, we tried to believe that -”

“Wait, wait, wait, we’re not that far along yet,” Yongsun interrupted, alarmed. “We’re only just dating.”

“Yeah, oh my god guys, we’re definitely not getting married or anything, we just wanted you guys to know that -”

“Wait, what?” Wheein lurched forward, her eyes wide. “You’re _what_?”

“What are you talking about?” Hyejin felt like she’d been slapped across the face. Byulyi gaped at her, while Yongsun squinted.

“What are _you_ talking about?”

“Not fair, unnie, you first!”

“You’re _dating_?” Wheein whisper-shouted, the sound lost in the louder noise of the restaurant. “You two?”

“Well, yeah, wasn’t that what we were -”

“No, oh my god! We thought you guys were talking about leaving!”

“What, Hyejin, no!” Byulyi stared between the two of them incredulously. “Are you guys crazy? Why would we do that?”

“You didn’t say -”

“You said you knew -”

“Well, you weren’t saying anything, so I just assumed -”

“Everyone, time out!” Yongsun slammed her palms on the table, ignoring the dirty stares they were getting. “And shut the _fuck_ up. We’re too loud.”

“That’s rich, unnie,” Hyejin bristled unintentionally. “Coming from you.” The glower she received in turn made her quiet.

(Yongsun really could bitch-stare with the best of them.)

“You and you. Explain.” Yongsun had her arms crossed, making Hyejin feel too much like the child she refused to be when faced with the possibility of Mamamoo breaking up. Byulyi was mirroring the exact same pose, her expression more confused than anything.

Wheein started to speak, explaining how lately Hyejin and her had been worried about the fact that it seemed like Yongsun and Byulyi had been considering leaving the group. They’d both decided to keep it to themselves first, not wanting it to come to anything in case that really was the truth, but that they’d both thought that tonight had been the night for them to come clean with it, based on how weird everyone had been acting. The unnies remained quiet through the explanation, their expressions growing increasingly horrified with each word, and when Wheein was done, they both exhaled harshly.

“Oh my god, what were you guys even _thinking_ ?” Byulyi had her face in her hands as Yongsun stared at the table in shock, unable to say a word. “So all of that - everything you said before - it was because you thought we wanted to _leave_?”

Wary, Wheein looked at Hyejin, who just shrugged because she was empathizing with Yongsun something fierce right about now. “Yeah?”

“Oh thank god.” Neither of them was expecting that. “I thought you guys were - I mean, I sort of expected it, but I’d hoped -”

“What are _you_ talking about?” Hyejin leaned forward. “If it wasn’t that, then?”

Byulyi was interrupted by the sound of Yongsun’s laughter, loud and almost hysterical. Stunned, everyone watched as Yongsun wrapped her arms around herself and laughed, her forehead almost smacking the table with the force of it.

“Oh my god, we’re all such _idiots_ .” Yongsun wiped at her eyes and grinned, looking at everyone. “Don’t you think so? We all thought something different and oh my _god_!” She nudged Byulyi with her elbow, leaning onto her shoulder and laughing still. “This is so ridiculous.”

Neither Hyejin nor Wheein were impressed when Byulyi started to join in - haltingly at first, and then just as loudly and passionately as Yongsun had. They let them have it for a moment more before Wheein clucked her tongue, chucking a piece of chicken at them. “Yah. What the hell is wrong with you two?”

“Yeah, it’s not funny.” Hyejin chucked something too. Yongsun yelped as it stained her top. Score.

“Sorry, sorry - it’s just that - oh god.” Byulyi was smiling now too, no longer acting as weird as she had been all night. That, at least, was a relief. “I feel like we’ve all been through a _lot_ in the past few minutes.”

“Unnie, I swear to god, if you don’t tell us right now, I’m going to stab you with this fork.” Wheein tapped the tines against her plate for good measure, the sound threatening between them. Byulyi winced.

“We’re dating. Byulyi and I,” Yongsun explained in a low voice, her gaze focused on dabbing at the stain on her top. “We’ve been for a while now.”

“Yeah, that’s what we wanted to let you know.” Byulyi reached out to take Yongsun’s hand in hers, subtly shaking her head. “It took a lot for us to say it, and honestly, a part of me thought you already knew, but clearly not.”

“Yeah, we’ve been trying to be _super_ obvious recently, and neither of you picked up on it.” Yongsun sounded put out at this, completely disregarding the shell shocked expressions on both the maknae’s expressions. “It was so frustrating, honestly.”

“Wait, wait, back up.” Wheein blinked. “You and Byulyi-unnie. Dating.”

“Yes.” Byulyi blinked back at her. Wheein groaned as she dropped her head to the table. “Are you okay?”

“No, she’s not.” Hyejin had regained her smile now, smug and proud. “Because she just lost a _lot_ of money.”

“What?” The both of them chorused, as Hyejin leaned back in her seat.

“You can transfer me later. I doubt you’re carrying that kind of cash around anyway.” Her smile just grew wider when Wheein just lifted her middle finger. The next moment, she lifted her head and eyed their unnies intensely.

“And how long has it been?”

“Uh, a few months?”

“But you guys were definitely sleeping together before that, right?” Both of them blushed as they nodded their heads, and Wheein crowed in victory as Hyejin suddenly realised she’d lost the _other_ bet.

“Fuck!” Wheein was way too proud of herself as she mocked her best friend.

“You can transfer me later. _No one_ carries that kind of cash around.” Hyejin matched her earlier middle finger with two of her own. They’re about to devolve into their usual bickering when Byulyi stopped them with a hand and a “You guys _bet_ on us?”

“Well yeah,” Hyejin scoffed. “ _That_ was completely obvious.”

“To be fair, it was mostly a joke.” Wheein hurried to explain. “We didn’t want to insult you guys in case it _wasn’t_ true, so we never told you. But hey, looks like we were wrong!”

“And you’re okay with this?” Yongsun looked unsure of the whole thing, so Hyejin decided to sober up a little. “You’re not… disgusted or anything?”

“No, of course not.” Hyejin reached out to grab her leader’s hand, moved by how vulnerable she looked in that moment. “Unnie, we could never think that.”

“Yeah.” Wheein nodded empathetically at that. “I mean, in the beginning it was a little weird, but like - it doesn’t matter, you know? Anyone can see how happy you guys make each other.”

“I mean, the fans all see it.” Hyejin smirked. “Who are we to stand in the way of true love?” If Hyejin was asked to describe the expression on Yongsun’s face then, she wouldn’t be able to.

(It was the most complex mixture of relief, love and anxiety she had ever seen.)

(Byulyi wasn’t much better.)

“Just like, promise me one thing,” Wheein said, scrunching her face up in disgust. “Don’t tell me where you guys have like, sex. I don’t even want to think about what goes on during your ‘solo practice sessions’.”

And Hyejin laughed as Byulyi and Yongsun both burned bright red, indignant as they exploded into a stream of denials. Wheein had been right when she’d said it didn’t matter at all that they were dating. Sure, it was a little weird in the beginning, but the more Hyejin watched, the more she saw how it made sense.

(Or at least, as much sense as those two made on a good day.)

(Hyejin really couldn’t understand them sometimes.)

(But what was important, she realised, was that they understood each other.)

(And that made everything make perfect sense.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And whooo! It's crazy to me how this story still has readers - it's always been at the back of my mind, but I didn't foresee it being this big. 
> 
> That being said, this one has been taking a backseat to my other story - 'there's always room for another'. I'm sure some of you guys are already reading that too, but if you aren't, feel free to give it a try. It's a lot darker, but it has more plot and I'm gonna be focusing on that first before I get back to this one. 
> 
> As usual, I'm excited to hear what you guys think about this chapter. It felt really clumsy and awkward when I was first writing it, but hopefully I did the girls justice. Thanks again for sticking with this and leaving comments and the like - it really keeps me going :)


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